Bad???Not I... ;)

Thursday 29 December 2011
Now this is a bit personal bit of soliloquy I wanna have with myself, so you are kindly not to stray into this area. Sooo!! I just wanted to say that often I feel I am quite a nice guy, the real good type one :P. Umm!! I am not surprised at the thought coz I am a die hard narcissist but yeah, dunno why, but I believe I am. Now this must sound crazy, but I am doing things that way nowadays. I do have my reasons to say that. 1st, I believe most of my friends do feel m gud (quite a few say it :D). Well, agree friends would always say that, but please, don’t spoil my fanciful imaginations. The very few not-good-wishers I have, don’t have too many good wishers either, so they are probably not good creatures :D. C’mon I am just being logical. 3rd may be I do stupid things, but it has never been intentionally to embarrass or cause hurt to anyone (well I agree no1 intentionally does, but please, I am in my own utopian world, please don’t disturb). 4th I feel I am pretty much polite to people, 5th I try hard to give those fake smiles that seem quite genuine, 6th I do make people believe that I do really care for them( which I must say, I actually do, till something goes very wrong). I don’t look but I believe I can be a really jolly person to be with, I can be a real friend you always look for, I can be the nicest person you can wish for (Now the level of self-appreciation has probably gone beyond limits, so lets stop here). But yes, I am not bad, if not too good, that what I believe :). However, something I am really bad at tolerating, ignorance of my being. Phew!! Somethings driving me real crazy. God save me!!May be it’s the BOSE speaker set I listened to or maybe…………….!!!Between my new year resolution- be happy, stay happy (no matter what) and most importantly make happy :).

Signing off
A.M.

Passion

Friday 23 December 2011
First, let me talk about all those things this topic is not about. To start with, a message from one of my dearie “ Will give you a relationship tip. With your girl, show some jealousy and possessiveness. And talk to her when you are sleepy, it feels sexy like hell ;). And ya, decent nerds do score chicks”. Indeed somebody has become a real relationship adviser but let me advice her to keep off me with her advice, bahut bura parinaam hoga :D. 2nd, in the last three days, I have actually shouted at three individuals. I am actually shocked at what I have become, though I must say, it was necessary. 1st, on a manager, who no matter what, misbehaves with me, n whoa!!he has become polite to me since then, so probably that worked. 2nd my junior, who talks like he is my colleague. Well, I am to blame though, coz I have treated him in that manner, now its time for a changeover. 3rd, uhh, my friend, who actually left the lunch table before I finished my lunch, that was rude, but it was ok because both of us know, no one means anything wrong :). Between, tomorrow I am going to bbsr, meet my parents once again this week, I am happy. I have ordered two t-shirts from Ebay and a coffee maker too, suddenly my love for online shopping has shooted up, the only thing that stops me is the clerk who gives suspicious and strange glances when he hands me over the thing :D.

Now coming to the point. What exactly it is?? My mobile dictionary says “strong liking or fondness for something”. But is that all? It is something way beyond that. It is something that not just your heart, but your soul yearns for. It is beyond the boundaries of usual likeliness. The reason I say that coz I was actually confused about something. The fact is that I am the kind of person who is really fond of reading stuff, so much so, that I really enjoy the 30-40 mins I read the newspaper everyday. However, I impose some restrictions on my so called reading passion coz I believe on the age old school of thought “ pehle zindagi mein kuch ban jaoon, uske baad jitna man chahe padh lunga”, but theres something I don’t understand or rather don’t want to understand that when you procrastinate something, it gets procrastinated for ever. This happens to me, even though I know I am the kind of person whom you can leave in a bookstore and forever let me there if you ensure me a daily supply of food and water. Ya, a good book in good English, is kind of nectar for me, be it be anything, anything at all. But..I always keep a but in everything. That’s one of my weakness.

Life is all about passion. No matter whatever, you do you should be passionate about it. And no matter, whatever else you do, you shouldn’t let your passion go waste. Even if it is as silly a thing like liking a girl, you should be passionate about that too. Must have heard the dialogue “ Agar kisi cheez ko zindagi mein pure dil se chahte hoge, to puri kaynat use tum se jutane mein lag jati hai, aur agar wo tumhe na mili ho, to kahani abhi baki hai” ( Don’t remember the exact English wordings from Paulo Coelho’s composition). Now that is the real definition of what passion means. And I really want someone who can feed that into my brain.

Umm..probably the quality of my blog posts have shitted up quite a lot, but when I started writing, it was for people to read, but all I care now is for me to write, so doesn’t matter a lot. Don’t think theres anyone at all going through my blog nowadays. Gotta pack my bags now, leaving tomorrow morning at 6. Baby, it will be too cold, but homebound I am, or rather bbsr-bound after so many days, so nothing matters. And here I waste one more precious day of my life, someday I would kick me for that. God help me!!

Signing off
A.M.

Blender's Pride

Sunday 11 December 2011
Har mod pe nai suruat ho sakti hai, kabhi bhi kahin par baat ho sakti hai, mana ki bahut dur hai aapse, par ankhe band karo to mulakat bhi ho sakti hai..
Cool, aint it? phew!!Neh baby..I am dat same AM, haven’t at all mutated, nor m I trying to be a shayar. It is just a forwaded message from one of my friend which I popped out in a shayari session in my last corporate party (you can call it bachelor party too coz it was sharab minus the shabab plus the kabab :P) where the lousy amateur shayari group were wah-wahing at every stupid frustu shayari, so much so, that gave me a feeling as if shayaris are meant only for devdases whose paros have dumped them :P. Pretty yucky it was, but not really when you have a plateful of chicken pakodas to gorge on. Shayari as a matter of fact, has never turned my senses on, except when she has been a pretty babe :P. Well on a serious note, the so called sexy urdu vocabs which sound like hi-fi hindi never fascinate me. The only language that really fascinates me is English, though the pity is that I have never made an attempt to really exploit the language. But yeah one things true, anything said and written in good English actually pleases me, provided its not an engineering book!!!!

Yeah, I never should have been an engineer, the engineering jargons have never fascinated me, nor they ever will. All that I cherish was the life then, but the life now??? Phew, don’t wanna spoil my already spoiled mood now. Gonna wait for max 2 years more, else I am gonna risk my life on the path I really wanted to, may be bit too adventurous but dark ke age jeet hai :P. Its as tough as going to the tip of the mountain n getting the dew off, but nevertheless, I will definitely give it a try someday.

Now look, how fickle I am, I have totally forgotten the point for which I am writing the blog, probably the reason why mora patha satha houni. I was feeling too lazy to start writing this, but the burden of thoughts had accumulated so much, that I thought it is probably wise to shed a bit of them on my bloggie dear. More so, when it’s a Sunday when you have nothing to do but to stay locked in a room. Between my parents are coming to meet me today, a reason to be on a high!! ;)
Being high!!Dat reminds me again of the real agenda. So I did something, something I thought of doing once in my life, something that I know I am not supposed to do, but whatever I did it, and not just that, just for the sake of having a partner in crime, I forcibly made one of my all so bhadra friend do it too. I tasted whisky, whoa!! Blender’s Pride it is, but hardly a reason to be proud, I still feel guilty. 5 pegs, if actually you would call that peg but no matter what, with sprite and pepsi. It tasted nothing more than a homeopathic medicine and there was nothing I felt after trying it out, all the more reason, why I shouldn’t try it ever again. Just for the sole motto I have, “Everything should be experienced at least once in life, no matter how good or how bad-good it is”. Well not the bad things though ;).

And yeah I had a funnier experience than that. There was a Uncle…I mean a Sir ( M forgetting I am professional now :P) who started collecting my biodata, I realized what was wrong when he went to the extent of asking me my title and height. Politely I asked with the all so surprised expression “Sorry Sir,Height??”. And his reply “ I find your personality really wonderful and cute”. I couldn’t really interrelate the two terms but whatever he continued “I will find out a pretty girl for you, have you already fixed one for yourself”. And then I was so shocked, that I couldn’t do anything but let out a blurt of laughter. And then one of my colleagues shouted out “ Sir, don’t go by the innocent looks of the guy, he has already been roaming about with 3 girls in bbsr, the one you fix might be the 4th” . And everyone on the table (10 of them) burst out into laughter. I had no choice but to laugh at the assassination of my “personality”. Lol, but the party was good, good enough to give a faint relief from the monotony and solitude of life.

Well whatever, I would be much happier when I blend my pride in my own way, with my own efforts instead of the 5 pegs of blender’s pride, I will make sure the latter never makes me proud again.

Signing off
A.M.

The Pursuit of Nothing-ness

Friday 18 November 2011


Probably the fact that I don’t have anything worth to tell anyone made me write this post, or may be things I don’t think will matter to anyone but me. Things have been so un-happening that the major part of my conversation with everyone starts and ends with a “what else”. It must be worth remembering the fact that I used to be someone who spent a lot of time on phone- texting and talking, in short, socializing. Anyway, whatever it might be, life do change, but the person inside hardly does, and when it is forced to adapt to a change, it implodes, and the feeling out of it is what brings you into nothingness.

It sometimes even makes me feel stupid what drastic change has been brought in, in the tone and theme of my blog posts, but that is something I couldn’t have helped either. It is aptly what someone can do, when he is closed within the barriers of a room, with everything going into a mess. Mess, ahh!! That reminds me. Failure after failure, one after one and day after day, merely leaves the sap and most importantly the belief in you to perform. All you are left with is questions like how long, how much more and why me!! All you do is console your heart to keep quite, but sometimes along with the blood, it pumps out shots of water from the eyes. For a moment though, the tears provide a feeling of relief, may be coz it reduces the burden off the heart.

This is the pangs of solitary-ness seems better from a crowd. Dunno how far the road lies, but I always seem to get to the wrong one, no matter how much I try. And every time I do, it exponentially plummets my belief in myself. The shadows of failure horrify me day and night.

Leave that. Its been more than a week since I called my best friend even though he always finds time in his busy schedule to call me up. He is actually how a friend is supposed to be, yep dude and babe!! How can I ever forget them!! I am sure they will always be my bestest buddies. Everyone seem so busy in their life nowadays, none of my other friends seem to remember me. Everything seems so very monotonous at the moment. The only entity that had brought cheer to my life in the last few months seems to be ignoring my existence, the entity which was perhaps the only refill to the void that life has created. Yup, it feels really shitty when you miss something/someone but you are not entitled to confess that. Nevertheless, all I wish is, unlike me, all good happens to it, and I can’t explain why, but somewhere I genuinely mean it. Its actually tough to get something out of your mind which you like so dearly, though unreasonably, but the fact is sooner or later, it has to be.

The only good thing that has happened to me in those few days is that I feel I have stopped being oversensitive to some issues. Like the rebukes of my boss seems to be pretty good an issue nowadays to have a funny discussion, may be something, which an year before, would have made me feel worse. Whatever, All I know I am going home tomorrow, probably something in which I score over all the contenders :D. Chalo good night!! Love ya A.M. I feel much better after blabbering everything :). Things are gonna be better soon for sure :)

Signing off
A.M.

The Broken Pieces!

Sunday 13 November 2011
Ya, pretty long since I updated. But what do I update? Some good memories that actually are meaningless or the long list of bitterness that keeps on itching the person inside, making the heart and the mind sore enough even to feel anything more. I hardly have an idea!! Being caught up in a life where you are in the middle of something without knowing which end to be the better one, is indeed hell. And what becomes worse, when it’s actually difficult to show up the real emotions. And if u don’t fake it, all u become is a walking and talking robot, something I don’t wanna portray myself to be, something I never do. But what do u do when getting yourself closed in a room seems the best option to feel good, rather a way to feel better than worse?

And the worst part is when you can’t even really tell the people what you are feeling whom you love most, coz they always look towards you in eyes full of expectation!! And you know, you will be more than shattered than what they will be, not coz u don’t achieve what you want, but rather you will shatter their dreams!! I am losing it with every passing second. How long do I pretend that I am all so very fine when inside me, there is a tornado ripping me apart.

Know I have become so very unsocial nowadays, people have actually started complaining about it, but seriously I never mean to. I find it hard even to being the very patient listener I was, and I am still trying to be, the probable reason which gets me some really good friends. But what do I do? I don’t have anyone to express myself, coz expressing myself makes me feel making fun of myself at the moment. And doesn’t the feeling ought to get worse when someone you care about, starts misunderstanding and misinterpreting you? Yeah, life sometimes really turns out to be a bitch, making a heap of all the bitchy things all at a time. But is there an option? Neh!!Hardly one, you just wait and try to find the route to the sunny sky, something I want others to understand too, but ya, I agree, I am really bad in expressing myself and what I mean and what I intend.

The cacophony of the music in my present life has already drilled a hole, I have to make efforts now to just to stop it from probing deeper and make it hollow, the sooner I do, the less hurt it gives me, and if I am too late, it treads me over, I have to set the broken pieces into place. Do I take the road not taken or do I just follow the trite path and win over? God knows!! At home at the moment, and the best thing about it, I can squeeze in between my parents and have that all so warm, cozy and safe feeling I always have, I have got to do it for them somehow. Love you maa bapa :*

Signing Off
A.M.

Babble-Dabble

Saturday 22 October 2011
So quite a long hiatus since my last post. It’s only the 2nd time in the last 4 months I haven’t been home on a weekend. Well actually I was planning to go today, come back on Monday, then go on Tuesday evening again, come back on Thursday and go again on next Saturday. My mother was so irritated that she went to the extent of saying “don’t come so often. I am getting irritated to get to see your face so often”. Noone loves me :(.What a heart break!! So to show how much I can sulk, I am not going. But maa, I am sorry , U will have to do with my face two times this week anyway ;), I cant sulk more than that :D.

Theres more news. “Mill tumhare hawale, u r the boss for the next week, all the best”-Don’t you think those words are really stimulating? Yeah, as screwing as stirring. My senior is on a leave and I am “in-charge”(that’s what they call me) of the core part of my dept for the next 8-9 days. Sounds exciting eh? Not really, its hell tough, bloody hell, I am a bloody trainee and I am supposed to take over all the responsibilities of a manager for the next few days!! Had I been that efficient, wouldn’t I have been in an IIM than working my ass out, being an executive majdoor out here? Yeah, that’s what I feel like.. Chalo, too much rona dhona!! Now the better part. I feel important in this place for the first time. Any problem, the first thing people look towards is me (though I am not sure how capable I am to solve the problems :D). And yes, today I was allotted a diploma trainee under me. And I am just loving the “yes sir, sure sir,I will do it sir, could you please sir, can I leave sir” attention from him :P. Haila!! I can’t believe so many people call me sir nowadays. In fact, I have learnt even to shout at people if they don’t get the work done :D, though I feel bad to do that, but it’s a precondition to survive at this place.

Damn those people who have humiliated me in the last few days, they should know I am a “sir” now :-x. 1st instance- In Puri with my parents and there we met a colleague with my father. He asked me “Soo!!What are you studying”, and when I told him I am doing a job, he looked at me as if I am an alien or something. 2nd Instance: Going home by train. The uncle sitting in front of me who got in at Bhadrak: “Going home?” Me: “yep” Uncle: “so you are studying in bhadrak?” Me:”Naa. I am working at Jajpur Road”. The instant reaction was “Really?!!” which turned out into a long continued grin which made me feel so irritated so as to show him a middle finger!! And third was an Aunty who directly told me something kinda that at home, I don’t wanna tell you the real words, IDPD ho jayega. Now temme something, Am I supposed to keep a dense beard and a krur singh-type-moustache to look like a working guy!! Huh!!I don’t care!!

So a few days back I was having a look at my foto album. There was one pic where my father and mother are holding me between them. I had been to Puri after that and had a similar pic taken there. I realized something, so many things have changed in those 22 years, but the same kiddish feeling still comes back when I am with parents, I just loved being with them, being cared and loved and scolded at times too :D. Ya life with friends is something different, I agree but with parents, Its something beyond anything, especially when you have such so very nice parents whom you can confide a lot in, even ur crushes :P. I love you maa and bapa, you are the best I could have asked for :*.

Why do people misinterpret you at times? Don’t they realize that somewhere somehow someone likes them so much that all he wants them is to be happy no matter however the thing goes around. Why do they always keep on giving hints on the sole intention of hindering you from taking a step forward? Do they really think that someone is really trying to be a stumbling block in their path? If it is really so, then let me tell you, all I die for is your smile, if that’s there, I am not gonna disturb you, I just wish to be there for you forever to get it back for you. Anyway, lets leave that part.

The funniest part is I have gone really crazy those days.. I have been doing so many silly things.. And believe me, I am enjoying doing it, I have suddenly started liking the spontaneity of things. Like giving a lavish treat for one of the silliest reason you would expect. Nevertheless, sometimes silly things do add colors to your life. And yeah, I went on a date, whoa!! I DID. Lol, it was just a meeting with a close friend which coincidentally turned into a one on one treat.
So What more I can babble. I just wanted to go on and on, sharing things with me. After all, who else understands me more than me and who else is going to read a post like this!! :D. Anyway, nice talking to you A.M. :D

Signing off
A.M.
Tuesday 11 October 2011
I know, I am again wasting quite a bit of time as I start to write another post. But theres hardly anyone here, whom I can tell my feelings right now, not even my parents. How do you feel, when you fail once and then just the trend continues forever? More so, with loads of expectations surrounding you, people thinking that you are genuinely good for better and when its only you who knows who you are and what you are!! Yeah, it hurts.. How would you feel if you know that you are playing havoc with your parents’ expectations if not even your own. Yep, it’s a worse feeling than just a failure.

It hell hurts!! I really wish that I was endowed with a bit of intelligence, I feel so dumb. At times, it feels like I know nothing, the knowledge is just a façade to myself. I am really clueless of what to do. Why do I have to have those limitations!! Isn’t it partiality that some people are gifted with talents and some are like freaking noobs!!Why can’t I be better.. Deep inside, stuff like that eats me up, even if the people who I know expect a lot, keep on consoling me. Its hard to take and the path seems lost in the horizon. Where do I go and what do I do? I am actually treading the path wherever it is taking me than finding the way out, and that has been something I was dreading when I was at the beginning of the path.

Please god, make this dimwitted follower of yours good for something at least, he desperately needs you for some enlightment.
Signing off
A.M.

The Question Remains!!!

Tuesday 4 October 2011

As I rock to the rhythm of the song “Dildaara” from the upcoming movie Ra One, I plan to write this small post. Well, I must say I hardly get time to keep the updates of the newly released movies and stuff, I miss the kickass mornings on MTV . This is not gonna be like very different from my last few blogs, coz life hardly strives to change. The only thing good about it is I am going home tomorrow and guess what, I am staying till Monday..Quite a long vacation huh? Damn!!This long used to be my regular vacations during college life. However, never matter, I am going home. Well I must specify what home means, coz I have three homes now!! Anyway, its bbsr this time. I have my parents, my cousins and few of my friends coming there this vacation.

Talking about plans for the vacations. May be half a dozen dates, but only with boy wala friends :P. Well a date with the opposite sex seems only a distant possibility, not at least before my engagement :(. A cousin meet is always on the cards, I am gonna make that happen anyway this time. And may be more fun with my friends. And I am really excited about all that, without actually thinking of the fact that the days will pass by just as fast for me to even realize. So is the vacation long enough? If I ask for an absolute answer, the question remains!!

Just as they say, time and tide waits for none. And its been more than 3 months now, I have been in a stinking helluva alien world. Time has been mocking at me ever since I landed here, and the tides have been just drifting me apart like a tsunami, far from the coast I wanna reach. Well, its not as bad as I describe it, so don’t take it as an unbiased feedback, coz I am prejudiced against it. Its all to do with my state of mind, from the very first moment, I entered the place, I have made it a resolve to leave it asap. And it is like eating me from inside, every time the clock ticks by. And its making me suffocated as such.

Today morning was probably the worst feeling I had in the last 3 months. I woke up and suddenly felt so very upset. It happens to me every morning but today it was like a very bitter and sophisticated feeling. As always my mom woke me up with her call, I almost choked talking to her, hung up the phone, digged my face into the pillow and kept on lying, till I realized the pillow was wet. I don’t remember when last I had this worse a feeling. Well the only good thing the work here does to me is to forget everything else and sort of a distraction from my personal feelings. I really got to make out some way to find the small ray of hope, lest the black hole of nothingness engulfs me over. Sorry for the mawkish description, but I just wanted to spit it out. I wish someday I can become like my father, rather that IS my dream. And that would even cater to making my mom so happy. May be that will somehow make up for the fact that she didn’t take up a job just for me. (P.S.- My mom is very intelligent, she even helped me out with complex permutation and combination problems in class 12, seta alga katha ki mo dwara patha hounathila,tebe bhi n ebe bhi :(!!) But will the dream be a reality? The question remains!!

And to compound matters is the issue that swallows up all my senses, makes me do things beyond logical and unlike me, it makes me jump and hop and babble and mad. It flummoxes my horizon of thought and freezes my mind. Well I can’t really explain what it is, but it concerns me a lot, A LOT actually and yeah, it distracts me too. All I wish is that someday I can bridge the gap , so that I can take a healthy nap. Yeah, it’s again the overflow of the internal body sap. Will the lead protagonist of the dreams ever become the protagonist of my forthcoming life story??The question is easy to answer but the answer is hard to accept. Is their a solution?? The question remains!!!

Signing off
A.M.

A Random Entry

Thursday 22 September 2011
Today I don’t have anything to write in particular. So I am all ready to scribble out some random thoughts. I know, unlike the past, I am unable to add a bit of humour and vivacity to my posts, but I think it has more to do with my state of mind right now rather than anything else. And now that I probably feel that theres hardly anyone who is actually following my blog and going through it, so its time I can endow a personal dimension to it. Well that’s true, now this blog has become a platform to share my memories, feelings and emotions, things I can’t really express to everyone. So let us just move on with it

Must say I have got a group of really cool friends in my department. We belong to different engineering disciplines, different colleges but we stick together whenever we can, be it just be lunch and dinner. And every time we meet, we get to have one stupid useless but quite entertaining discussion. And tomorrow’s night extravaganza has also been fixed, n guess what it is. They are gonna shortlist eligible available babes out from my fb profile whom I can hit and propose!! I was all so LOL at the idea..But believe me the discussions are worse than this..A real revitaliser for the mind-fkn sessions at office :D

Moving to the next topic. Last week, I went to Bhubaneswar, may be after more than a month. And I got to ride my bike. Riding my bike got me into a real high, the same kind of feeling that people tend to have after gulping a peg of vodka. Or in better terms, you can call it bike orgasms!! :P. Err!!Sorry, but I was like too tempted to mention :D. Anyway, driving the bike fast gives a lot of satisfaction to a guy, or to a MAN!! :P. Nah, don’t comment on that, buddies. And my definition of driving fast is something else. I am not one of those assholes who maneuver their hunky bikes here and there in gaps, with real rash moves. If you ask me for a solution for those people who often are the mainstay of accidents, I would say suck all the adrenalin out of those guys so that they lose all their so called “jawani ka josh”. Whatever!! I miss my bike a lot.

Next kahani is based on the story that one of my colleagues here narrated yesterday. Well, I don’t wanna share any personal info here, but just the fact, even he did ask a girl out. Now that was really unexpected, he was one of those all so geeky guys whom I would least expect to do it, damn!! And I am the only shithole who is sitting with the ethical principles lists of how to behave with girls, damn me!! Let my principles go to hell, I openly declare a notice out here “Any pretty girl interested to go out me for lunch or dinner, please contact me asap”. Indeed, I don’t wanna end up with this all so stupid image, its so heartbreaking to see almost everyone run into their rooms to talk to their gfs after dinner and all I call is my parents or some random friend :(.

And seriously I am not in a mood to write anything more today and if I do, that will surpass the endurance capacity of my blog. So , Will see you soon bloggie darling.
Signing Off
A.M.

The Balasore Diaries

Monday 12 September 2011
As I am beginning this small piece of unplanned post, let me tell you that I am having a terrible headache and I am nibbling a bar of dairy milk probably expecting it to give me relief. I know I sound funny but I do sound that unreasonable at times, and more so, when I come back from a sojourn at home!! Home sweetest home!! Oops!! Dear blog darling, I forgot to mention to you the fact, I am no more a bbsr resident maybe till around mid of the next year. So theres a new place to talk about..and its balasore!!

So it was yet another Saturday.. Nowadays Saturdays are the days when I feel the same kind of excitement I used to have before we used to go for a college picnic..Coz it is time to go home in the evening, and ya, in the eagerness of going home, see my maa n bapa, I forget half my job on Saturdays!! Now that is the only thing good about my job, its close to home :), no matter even if I wish the extravagancy and fun of staying in big metro cities, being home gives a feeling which exceeds much beyond that.

Another thing to highlight is the mom made food, I used to demand this and that when at home, but now, that one day, whatever I get, it feels like heavenly delicacies. Equally nice is the amount of time I get to spend with my parents, that small informal conversation and chit chat with them, means a lot to me.

And this time I went to chandipur beach with my parents and jejemaa. I preferred not to drive the car this time coz of the horrible narrow and crowded streets in balasore, its really tough driving unless u are a pro. On the way, I got to see the places my father was born, stayed during his childhood, the UP school where he completed his 1st few years of schooling, the place where he got posted in the initial years of his job life, the place where my parents started their married life and the place where I spent the 1st 2-3 months of my life, yup balasore is supposed to be a place of lot of importance for me, though so indirectly! And may be more now!!

So on we drove to the chandipur sea beach.Damn my damned luck that my digicam malfunctioned at just the opportune moment and I couldn't take a single pic of the place. I had the vague reminiscence of visiting that place when I was about 10 years old, so much has changed since then, the change evident both in the beach and more so in me. Really speaking, so much has changed in the last 3 months, I feel like being in a different world. And yeah, the “feel good” factor seems to be completely absent. I have developed a sense of apathy towards everything. Nothing seems to be appeasing me, not some delicious food, not some beach, not some movie and not even chicks ;). It is just that sense of numbness that I am wallowing in at the moment, facing the hard phase with a hard heart and hard senses! Yeah, going home does give me relief, but that’s just a transitory cure, I want things to fall in place soon.

I was in no mood of coming back from home today, the whole day I was making faces to my maa, so much so that she finally got irritated :(. And the things worse about my life now is that all my friends seem to have forgotten me, or maybe everyone is too busy in their own life to care about anyone else, things that I dreaded before I stepped into this phase seemed to have come to life. And that making my head to play games with me, making me to eat dairy milk to cure my headache..Indeed blogie darling, I am going outta my mind..And I wish I could tell “her” everything.. Wish I could have written more sensical stuff, matching the much more enviable posts that my fellow bloggers write, but I am hepless, coz "main aisa hi hoon" ;) :P

Signing Off
A.M.

The thought trilogy

Wednesday 7 September 2011
Today was kind of a nice day. Well, it wasn’t anyway too different than the other days in my daily schedule, but there were a few things that soothed my heart, call it a few thoughts or realizations or statements. It might even sound like I am happy out of nothing or even that I am boasting but I am just about to explain my feelings.
I would like to share three experiences from the day.

1- I was sitting in front of a junction box with a multimeter checking some wire connections doing some intensive input/output testing. And as everyone was busy, I had to do all of it myself. Then one of my senior bhaiya came and kinda tried to help me out. I was still involved in that stuff when the electrician came, saw me and said “Ansuman Sir is going to end up very high in life”, I turned towards him and started laughing. Then he repeated what he said and exclaimed that he was not just joking and rather serious. Then he took over the work from me. I am not really sure why he said that, hardly know whether I can go any higher from the shitty place I am in right now, given my screwed up preparations and all, but yeah, that thing actually instilled a sense of belief in myself. Lets see how things turn out

2-As usual, today too one of the guys in the hostel turned up in my room and sat and talked to me for an hour. Now this guy is a devotee of Lord Krishna and is into ISCKON and all. He is from Mathura, I have got to know him from since I came to this place. But he comes to my room very often, anytime he has any problem, and not just that, also to talk about Krishna and Bhagwat Gita. I must tell you here I am not that into the spiritual world or anything but probably he finds a good listener in me. Now as everyday someone or the other comes to my room to talk to me, I was complaining to my maa today that I am getting disturbed. She showed me the positive side of it that may be people find that good a friend in me. Well I did realize something, might sound that I am boasting about but somewhere I too feel so, I make a good friend even if not the perfect one.

3-Another thing. I might not take it as a credit or something or take anything away from the persons I am going to talk about. It might have been a coincidence but a significant thought in my mind. The friends I am a lil more close to than others have all ended up in really good places in the present junctures of their lives. I don’t just mean to say that I am lucky for them or anything but it just gives me a sense of satisfaction, though I must not deny that I do envy them a bit, that’s basic human quality, you can’t complain about it. Just the way as said in 3 idiots, “ if your friend fails in exams, then you feel bad, and if he tops, then you feel very bad” :D. Well nothing sort of that, I wish my friends all success in their lives. I really love them, value them and will always cherish them.
That is all I had to say. And these are just my personal feelings, nothing else..

Signing Off
A.M.

An exasperated “philosophy session”

Sunday 4 September 2011
A long pause in my blog, pretty uncharacteristic of me, but the question is, this phase of life has probably redefined what I am characterized of, shaped my silly stupid thoughts into grave matters, phew!! Things have changed, and this is when probably, people say that you have grown up. I hate that feeling of being grown up, but yes, this phase rather imparts a finishing touch to the growing up phase.

I wonder how many things might have changed in the last 22 years and every day gone, I feel a day more mature. Things which seemed rather logical and reasonable the previous day, start seeming stupid and at times, embarrassing. To quote for example, if someone would have asked me what I wanted to be just after class-XII, I would have said just one thing-Engineer, but as years have passed by, that very fact that I selected engineering as a career doesn’t impress my inner being. And that makes me realize how deceptive a rat race can be, leading you all into the wrong direction. Technical stuff doesn’t appeal to me as much as it should to an engineer, rather the reverberation of a realization echoes into my heart right now, theres something I feel I know, what I should have been and what I must be. Maybe someday I fulfill my dreams I would share that piece of a personal thought to you, but right now, life seems to have lost its sheen, so the first and foremost thing is to retrace my way and catch up with the right path. And what actually give me the realization is the same realization of the realization that I have actually “grown up”.

Well, being “grown up” is rather a relative term. One might argue that 2 years later, I might find my present realization to me somewhat misleading. I agree, that is very true indeed. Honestly speaking, when I was a kid, I used to dream of becoming a scientist which in succeeding years changed into a doctor and finally ended up as a engineer, but there was a difference between what was then and what is now. Then I lacked an objective for what I aimed for, it was just a thought directed by some other random thought which originated from some unrelated unmeaningful information, feedback and environment, but now I have a meaning, an intention and a real desire for where I want to take my life.

Now that I was talking about how things have changed. These thoughts came into my mind as I went all so nostalgic during my journey back from home today. I suddenly got lost in the days when I was a kid. I used to jump on my bapa when he used to come back from office, I remember those days when I used to share every tit bit of info with my parents, I used to hang out more with my parents than with anyone else, and believe me, I loved those days, all I mean to say is Parents can indeed be your ultimate friends but yeah, there is a condition apply. Things don’t remain the same forever, now when I meet my parents after a week or two, I can’t just go and jump on them, share everything with them, and be the best friend with them, there suddenly crops up a barrier, and that’s the change I am talking about again. Ya, you can still sit between your parents being loved and pampered, sharing a lot of things but you can’t just behave the same way you did, during your childhood.

And yes theres more to it. Maturity give rise to lots of pretentions in life, though I must say it is very important, but at times, it makes us forget who actually we are. And yes, this change is unintentional, unnoticeable and unavoidable, it can just again be realized. Just think? Don’t you think you behave with 10 different people in 10 different manners? And my dear, if you don’t, then I am not sure whether it is good or bad news for you, but you are yet not a grown up.

Well, I dunno what I am writing, I am actually feeling very pissed off. And I am writing coz I didn’t want to do anything else, whether it makes sense or not, I don’t care. Went home after 3 weeks and not even 24 hrs to spend with my parents, I miss them so very much. And to add to that, there were guests who deprived me of whatever a lit bit more time I could have had with them. Though I am not kind of a “atithi tum kab jaoge” types, but I felt very irritated today. Damn the job life, I feel like packing up and going home again..I want to share the piece of dairy milk I am having now with bapa and maa, and I really miss them so so much!! It is really bad to grow up, so take my advice, don’t grow up, rest in peace..Had God been a better skilled engineer, he would have terminated the cycle of people growing up, then the world would have such a cute place to live in. Think I must sleep now, lest I get half a salary cutoff tomorrow for reaching office late..Good Night everyone if at all there is anyone..Sweet dreams!!
Signing off
A.M.

The Missing Links

Monday 22 August 2011
A new phase of life and suddenly it has created so many voids in my life. I find so many missing links in my life, its like everything seems to be open circuited, theres just a potential in it, that can be felt, measured but the flow of current never takes place, that measurable feeling just keeps me content, or rather I am bound to be. So this account is nothing but a manifestation and expatiation and realisations of things I miss.

I miss my home sweet home, I miss my darling maa and bapa, like hell, and I can’t really explain that feeling. I miss my hometown which again happens to my birthplace where I spent the last 8 years of my life till now, I miss my cousins, especially on the occasion of rakhi, when I didn’t have a single rakhi on my hand, a phenemenon that probably never happened, I miss my dear dear friends, I miss the exuberance they brought into my life, I miss dude and babe specially, I miss the wonderful days I spent with dude, the fun and frolic, the personal jokes, I miss his attention too, he seems to have become too busy nowadays. I miss being irritated by babe, I miss the way she used to chop my head and then fix it with her so very round kiddy sorry face.

I miss my not-so-hunky-but-all-so-stylish-all-powerful-red-black –Hero Honda-Passion Plus that took me places far and wide, I miss my scooty pep which marked the beginning of my driving career, I miss my PC which has been my prime platform for everything the world does using computers, I miss playing FIFA with S, I miss our LCD TV, I miss the reliance BIG TV connection, I miss my all so fast BSNL Broadband connection, I miss my all so dirty bed, I miss my messed up study table which never had the opportunity to have me to study on it, I miss my bathroom ( I hate shitty common bathrooms here), I miss the tom and jerry wall hanging in my room, it reminded me of someone and also happens to my fav cartoon.

I miss my scoldings of my maa, the fighting with bapa for selecting the TV channels, I miss being teased by my friends, I miss going places with them, I miss the get togethers, I miss the smile everytime I got when I entered the classroom in the morning, I miss playing cricket, I miss bunking classes, I miss having crushes (P.S.- I am still straight but I don’t get to see girls anymore), I miss rating babes and then fighting with friends on the ratings. I miss the lush green forests of CET, I miss dozing up during classes, I miss the gossips, I miss the meaningless babbles and rabbles, I miss the overcrowded bus journeys, I miss the MC (Maha *****) group .I miss someone who would probably never realise that I actually do, though I was never related, I do miss the “someone”’s presence. And yeah, I do miss the face which was a reason of every treat I gave in the final year, I wonder where she was, in the last two years :D.

Now if I continue , I might fill up pages mentioning what more I miss. Honestly speaking, I miss every moment of the last 4 years, I miss life now. The sudden transition has been really harsh on me and I am not sure, how long I can take the burden of this phase of my life. I believe very soon, there will be a much better phase, still devoid of some important components, but that will be a life worth living, the belief makes me strong. I am gonna bead my own life now and let nobody shape it, I am gonna find me out of me and discover the lost water from the sea without letting the bonds of complacency strangle me, I am gonna break the “bond” ASAP (if you can get what I mean).

Whoa!whoa!!chill dude..You are getting too serious, as serious as your asshole serious face..Damn!!I dunno why people find my countenance so very grave!!That is why I say, deviyon aur sajano, hume chehre se nai, parkho dil se, yeh patthar se nai, bani hai pankhon ke mehfil se..wah wah!!thank you..Enough crap for today..thanks for reading if at all anybody is..Mwaaahh!!!

Signing off
A.M.

The hilly Snout

Friday 12 August 2011
A new day and lots more to say. Yeah, may be my life has become quite monotonous, but theres never an end to my thoughts. They keep on proliferating faster than even the world’s population does. Well, there is a particular “someone“ who has snarred my thoughts today, but lets not talk about it, its too personal ;). Let me update you about the latest happenings first.

So finally comes to an end, the 4 years long tormentation, agony and tyranny of our most reverred university, BPUT. And now you can very well call me Er A.M. Yup I am an engineer by certificate now, no matter, how much I know about what I am supposed to. And our results came at a time, when I had almost forgotten about it and had almost assumed or rather declared myself as a self-claimed Engineer, but dear, with BPUT, you never know, it has the potential to make your unimagined dreams come true. Oh C’mon!!you can take it in a positive sense too, BPUT can do anything, take my word. May BPUT rot in hell and may all passed out BPUTians rest in peace.

Now moving on to my work place. My senior has taken leave for 2 days. So I am in charge of my whole department. Now I can do anything to my department in these 2 days, I can get everything into place or I can even screw all the electrical connections up.No matter what happens and no matter whoever does it, I am the first person to be questioned. So its more like a pressure cooker situation, I just hope everything goes right. But to add to my woes, what the hell do I know with less than 1 month of experience!! With the electricians, technicians and contractors, all looking to me for instructions, I find myself trapped in a mire, with anything I say or do, is going to take me deeper into it. They ask me something and I give them a clueless face and all I do is to make some stupid statements and drive them away. But the good thing is I have the authority to sign the Electrical and Automation documents of my department, it gives a great feeling.

Too much updates, now let us move to the crux of the post. Today, I was standing in front of the mirror combing my hair, I suddenly had the same strange feeling again. Theres something odd about my face when you see it sideways. I have been having the same feeling since years, but today I finally figured out whats wrong. Guess what it might be????!!!

Damn!!!My nose is too big. That looks like a goddamn hilly projection on my face. I have heard people commenting on my nose earlier, there were a group of girls in school who had labelled me shark, coz of my nose ( something I got to know very recently), but today, I actually realised the real matter. It is so huge that I have a pimple on the tip of my nose, which actually comes into my line of view and often distracts me. I can very distinctly see my nose, can you? If you do, then you should empathise with me. And also its so big that, I can even touch the tip of my nose with the tip of my tongue, can tou? If you can, then again you must empathise with me. And you must have seen that in winters, mountains get covered with snow even if the bottom is clear, the same happens to me, the temperature of my nose is much lesser than the other regions of my face in winter. And the worse part, how the hell do I kiss? Remember Aamir Khan having a problem in 3 Idiots kissing, because the nose comes in between.Ah whatever!!I am not really concerned coz unlike other people, may be I am taking more oxygen, and so I am more healthy..well, Indeed, I am.

Well, actually the matter is, its 3.30 AM now and I just felt like writing anything. And I already have too much responsibilities, so I am hereby abdicated of all responsibility of any damage that could have occurred to your brain after reading this. Please folks, let me sleep, c ya..tata..wish me gudnight and sweet dreams, and miss “someone”, you still occupy my thoughts, I wish you a goodnight too.

Signing Off
A.M.

22

Monday 8 August 2011

Flashback: 4th July 2011 12 Midnight
I kept on looking excitedly at the clock as it ticked about in its usual manner, the last few minutes felt like ages. I wondered that how the clock never feels bored, coz what it does is pretty much a boring and monotonous task, ticking its 3 hands 24/7/365. But actually a clock is an exemplar of patience and perseverance, something no matter how much I try, I fail miserably. Leave that for now.

So finally the second hand went past 12 and it was 4th July 2011.. And guess what the day was??? No, I am not talking about American Independence day :D. I am talking about something more significant than that, it was my birthday :D. The clock had done its duty, now the attention was off on to my cell.. I kept on staring at the Katrina kaif wallpaper in my cell, admiring her beautiful curves ;P, desperately waiting for the cell screen to light up and the harry potter theme to start beeping. In short, I was waiting for my friends to call.

The sad thing was I was in a new place and no one knew about my birthday expect one friend in my hostel, whom I just felt like telling. As he was too sleepy, he came around 11.30 PM and went to sleep. And I was left waiting again for a call. I waited and waited but not a single call or message came. I was already very disappointed. Felt like all my friends forgot me. And indeed they had. I switched off the lights and slammed my phone on the table and suddenly it started ringing. And the name brought a big bright smile on to my face, it was my best friend “dude”. I talked to him about 10 mins and then went off to sleep. I was kind of happy at least he didn’t forget.

The next day, a few calls and messages did come, but believe me, the excitement was all over, I was already on to work. Nothing mattered now that life has already changed, I realized that the same is true for my friends. They forget my birthday the same way I started feeling so very trite about the day. Just like “dude” hardly gets time to call me nowadays. Ya, “she” did text me contrary to my expectations, that was the only good part about it. And the highlight of the day was the attempt of my friends there to offer me a GPL. I hope you people know about GPL and for those geeks who don’t know , it is “**** pe laat”. As my birthday always used to come during the summer vacations, so I hadn’t yet become a victim to that concept. Believe me it hurts, and the pain stayed for a day, u realize the worst part of it when you go to toilet :P.

So finally , I was 22. Never realized when 22 years went past. And with every year, I feel I am getting more and more mature. Often I think of things that I did, may be a few years ago. May be then it seemed very plausible to me, but those very things make me feel embarrassed, I feel, had I then added the few missing years’ experience and maturity I have now, I wouldn’t have done it. But that’s the way life is supposed to be. And tell you something, might seem weird, but if someone asks me what I would like to do in the last few years of my life, I would like to watch a video tape of the significant moments of my life, both good and bad and according to me, you can’t expect a better movie than the flashbacks of your own life.

Anyway, its dinner time and I am at home. So I can’t tell you anything more coz I am starved as I hardly get good food in hostel and I want to gorge my mom made food as much as I can. So c ya all.. Have a good time :)

Signing off
A.M.

Good After-Midnight

Saturday 30 July 2011
30 July 2011 3.30 AM

Hi folks!!Good….uhh!!Its not morning yet..may be I can say Good After-midnight..But I need to find a proper wish for this un-humanly time soon enough coz it has been appended to my life as another part of my humdrum existence since a month..My day has a beginning and an ending to it, but the part in between , is more like a blank, it misses out a pause and a refresh button. It goes on with commas all over and badly yearns for full stops. Its like my life is begging to me “Oh my bearer, give me a break” but all I can answer “sorry, I am helpless”.

Well, I just woke up half an hour ago and packed up my bag, I am going home tomorrow evening :). That’s the only good part though, but the truth is I wake up everyday around this time. Now you must be wondering what I do? Lemme tell you, I stare all over my room, at the walls, at my lappy, and all around me, completely blank, wondering where I am and why I am, And yes, to switch off the lights too. My sleep is outta my control now, I wake up around this time just to switch off the lights in addition to whatever I mentioned above.

Lemme tell you how a typical day goes in my moribund life. Wake up at 7, get ready, go to work at 8.30, come back around 7.30 (though it can stretch longer depending upon requirements), spend an hour talking on phone, dinner, chitchat with friends and then to bed, but when I sleep, is a mystery to me, but pretty soon though. And interestingly, this special routine is limited to me and my friend, all other GETs come back as early as 6 from office. The reason being me and my friend have been alloted in a project. Of course, we do get to learn a lot, even our mentor is all so friendly and nice, but the sudden transition from being a well accomplished bunk master in college to being a workaholic has come about as a calamity for me. It is more like being trapped in an unending limbo with life sucking all sap out of you.

C’mon, you don’t call it life if you can’t have time to socialise properly or ogle at a gorgeous babe on TV or cherish some good moments of your life or to spend the money you earn. And what makes it worse is the complete absence of the opposite sex at workplace which leads to the complete depletion of any motivation to work, what in actual terms you can conceptualise as hazardous working conditions ;) :P.That indeed is the first question every friend of mine asks me, questions about the presence of the so called “maal”s, but maal chodo, we don’t have girls.

Chalo too much of my dukhiyari kahani. 2 more days and I get my first salary. I haven’t yet thought how exactly to spend the whole lot but I do have few things in mind. I will get something for my parents, but I don’t have the slightest idea what to, I request you to suggest. Then I will get something for some special people in my life, some of my really good friends, as a token of love and appreciation for being what they have been to me. But the interesting part is, I am planning to do something crazy too, something I have never done, call me stupid or whatever, but the flavour of life fades away without a bit of craziness ;).

Just hope things get better. The song playing in my lappy now is “Tanha Dil” by Shaan and I love that song. Pretty much sums up my condition :P. Anyway, I don’t feel like sleeping anymore now. Maybe I will watch a movie or something. Once again a good after-midnight. Lots of thanks to all guys and lots of love to all chicks reading this :P

Signing off
A.M.

The Corporate World

Monday 25 July 2011
24 July 2011 1.00 am

Hello bak!!I am again back with details of my so very monotonous but happening life right at the moment. I am sorry if you feel that always I go “me, me and me!!” in my blog, but may be this is the only place where I can attach a bit of narcissism and snobbish behaviour into my thoughts.. ;)..Anyway I will be back to some lighter stuff soon enough, but that’s not the point.

I really miss my college days, job life sucks bigtime, especially when your superior assigns you responsibilties so soon, like you have to talk and behave like a manager, manage people, make them to do tasks and get them done in time, and if you don’t, you get screwed. More so, you can say, screw or get screwed.. C’mon we are just trainees now. The only thing that feels good is to be called “Sir” by my sub-ordinates.. Like I got a scolding and a lecture by my senior today for calling everyone I met everywhere Sirs and bhaiyas…How am I supposed to know they are my subordinates!!!And the funny feeling is I call them bhaiya, they call me Sir.

One more thing I learnt..Save your ass anyway, no matter whatever happens to someone else. Following moral values and ethics in corporate world can rather be risky, and I tell you its foolish. Its not Live and let live, its kill or get killed..I might sound like an asshole saying all the amoral stuff, but believe it or not, its very true, rectitude has no altitude in corporate life. Next comes the concept of handshakes. I don’t remember when last I shaked my hand with someone before joining the job. Now I get to know so many hands, before I know the people. And its funny, the various types of ways in which people shake hands, we will talk about it in another post. Also the distance I walk here everyday, its almost like having a morning and evening walk in a day, so don’t be very surprised if you meet a slim ansuman next time ;). However the only good news is our pay structure has been revised and hiked :)

Now moving on next topic, My 1st corporate party. It was like I reached office around 8.40 am and was there till 7.30pm and from there we went straight to the farewell party of two of our department seniors. Well we were just four trainees from our department and around 15 more seniors including the department head. It was a room with comfy sofas all over arranged in a round fashion, there was a home threater audio system playing soft music. There was some light conversation between the members and then came the starters. Not a hard guess, the starters included Haywards 5000 beer and royal stag whisky ;). Thanks God, they had thums up too :D. Our GM, me and my friend were the only exceptions into the no-beer-whisky sections though our seniors did try to lure us, but they never forced. Here I would like to say I don’t drink not coz I am one of those bhadra choras but coz I have already tasted a can of before and it tastes horrible. Now whatever it is, suddenly the quite formal party turned into a rave party. Loud rock party music and dance continued till 11 after which we had our dinner. The food tasted damn too good given a few reasons, 1- We don’t get too good food in our hostel, its just manageable 2- We don’t have non-veg food in our hostel 3- I had had my lunch at 1.30 and after that, I hadn’t got a chance to eat anything. Finally I reached my hostel around 12 and its 1.20 now.

Here I would like to give my college juniors an advice. Enjoy as much as u can in the present phase of your life. Its going to be living hell for you once you enter the corporate world..In short, Yeh Zindagi na milegi dobara.. I miss my parents most, n yeah, my friends too..n also, some those-who-should-not-be-named people too ;) (P.S.- No Voldermots)..Chalo yar, sone chalta hoon..bahut tired hei jaichi..subha ratri :)

Signing Off
A.M.

The New Odyssey

Thursday 14 July 2011
And finally I am back. I must say that no one but me was most disappointed at not being able to get an opportunity of updating my blog, but now that I have got a lappy finally, that is no more an issue. But yes, I am not sure when I will get a chance to update this post on my blog coz I still don’t have an internet connection, but not an issue, I am blogging, privately, if you at all call it blogging.

Before I talk about anything else, I would first like you to introduce the new entity in my life, my lappy.. Dashing and red and sexy!! Oops, sorry for all those people who would call my description blasphemy ;) but c’mon it is what it is.. Now I still couldn’t purge my love for red and black, my bag, my specs, my not-so-hunky but lovely bike, half of my tees-jeans combo, everything is red and black, and now my lappy.. Now someone once told me red and black represents ultimate power and authority!!phew!!Now whatever it is, it just appeases the opthalmic lobes of my brain..Chalo, topic change

Lemme tell you a bit about my new life.. What do you guess it must be?Exciting??Stimulating??Motivating?? I would be really grateful if you can actually explain it what it is..How would you feel if you are built a luxurious house in the midst of a forest? N yeah, when it contains all amenities, you have an AC and it runs 24/7, well, not coz m not energy conscious but because they don’t provide me a remote and theres nothing I can do about it. Theres a LCD TV too, but suddenly I have lost all my interest to watch television.. A well furnished single room in which I can make my woofer to play “I can be your hero baby” at a high volume and dream about some hypothetical babe and still write a blog with no one to disturb.. And yeah, I wanna boast about something, my friends say I should get the tidiest room award and I am like soo soo flaterred about it, don’t think my mom will actually believe..but puttar sudhar gaya mamma ;).

The campus is a green campus, one of the most exquisite Industrial campus you can think of, but to add to that, you can find snakes outside our hostel.. Theres a gym too, but as usual, I am too lazy to go, I hope my girl won’t mind my 1-pack :P. I can’t tell you much about work coz since the last 14 days, we sit in a room listening to the most monotonous lectures in the world back to back for 8 hrs. And the worst part is I have been caught dozing by the lecture guys with my head swaying like a drunkard.. Though I am not the only one who dozes so very often, but being pointed out among 45 and being politely asked to go out and wash your face is some sort of a ID. Damn, they don’t even berate you, that makes it feel even more guilty. This happened to me last in 1st year coz that was probably when I used to regularly attend classes, c’mon I am causing serious offence to the word “regular” :P.

Now theres nothing more in the campus, even for getting the least amenities, you need to go to around 10 kms from here. And worse is that, the company doesn’t allow bikes inside the campus. And if u get a bike, u have to keep it near the main gate which is around a km from our hostey!! All you can do sync your timings with the company buses..Believe me, it feels like being trapped in hell.. And about friends, they are good..my closest here yet being a tamil guy, I dunno how I get hold of tamils :D..

And going to Bhubaneswar from here is the easiest thing to do. Its nearly a 2 hr ride by train and perfectly synced with my office timings. But I am not very excited about it. My parents are gonna shift to balasore soon. Though it takes the same time to reach there, but the timings are really odd :(. I just hope my parents allow me to get my bike and allow me to ride it to balasore (which actually is an overexpectation). But whatever, its real fun driving fast on the highway blasting away the wind.

Now whatever it is, there inside lies a feeling, which makes me oblivious to everything to everythings that’s happening around me, I feel numb, my emotions seem unfeeling to me. Leave that, theres nothing much I can say about that. Neither am I sad nor am I happy. I am…well I leave it for you to complete. Between we had a non-evaluatory ppt 2day, and out of 7 in our group, the judge indirectly mentioned that I spoke well, so I have that well-done-dude to myself feeling ;), I often do blandish myself a lot..hehe.. Chalo, dinner time, m missin my moms food..I will update more things soon..Till then,

Sigining Off
A.M.

Sorry, Bloggie Darling!!

Friday 24 June 2011
Hello bloggie darling, I am really sorry, I have been ignoring you since some days. But trust me, its not intentional, nor is it that I have lost my urge of updating you. U stay in my heart and mind all the time. In fact, every time something happens, no matter how minute and how insignificant the thing is, the first thing that comes to my mind is sharing it with you. But I am really sorry, those days have not been easy on my part. No!!not that, something’s gone wrong or wayward, things have already been too hard on me, so big debacles seem petty off-days to me, so that’s not at all an issue, I believe theres something good awaits.

But the problem is, my mind is in a state of delirium at the moment. I am not sure, how exactly to feel about the life that awaits me. I am not sure whether I am happy , excited, tensed, skeptical, sad , add to it a set more of contradicting emotions. Neither have I made any plans nor have I got any idea of how the life is going to turn out. Days are just going past now, with me having no slightest idea of "what now and what next!!".But one things for sure, its time life is going to expose me to the raging outer world moving at a very fast pace, if you don’t live up to the pace, you get trampled. Lifes is not gonna be fun and frolic as it was, till now.
I would here like to quote a few beautifully expressed lines from the blog of a friend, the reason being my feelings somehow resemble those thoughts and I must say, I really like those lines “I took a walk by the beachside… looked at the might of the waves…the vast area of strength, might and yet so beautiful…that brought smile to enormous lips…but the same sea engulfed even the sun when it felt like…The scorch of the almighty sun was all soaked in the valor of the marine giant…
Will I b able to stand upright as I did…??? Or will I resign to the same fate as the teeming millions do everyday???”

Now whatever it may be, I just hope things are gonna be better soon, they are going to fall into place, but I just dread one thing, I hope I just don’t get complacent, making myself adapt to the better-ness of things, but rather paint my own new definition for what degree of quantity and quality of being better, I can give to my life..N dear blog, I know I sound all so frustu n boring nowadays, but I promise I am gonna come out wid all so flavored kickass topics soon..Thanks for your patience, sweetheart..

Your Creator
A.M.

The Queasy Feelings

Thursday 16 June 2011
I am not really sure how to begin this post. The reason being, a hell lot of thoughts occupies my mind now, more than the capacity my head can accommodate. I hope my my head doesn’t burst away. I don’t really mean I am tensed or something, but I can’t really define what the feeling is. Its kind of being lost in the doldrums. A few days ago, in the long gaps btw our sems, I was watching the movie kung fu panda for the 2nd time, I must say I just luv dat movie n m sure u do too. I would like to quote a dialogue from out der “yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, may be that is why it is called present”. I must say that those compact lines were very inspiring. But the problem is I often get lost thinking about the mystery than making proper utilization of the present.

So that’s the end of a 4 year long journey. I am not sure what useful I did in these 4 years, not sure how close I got in attaining my ambitions, not sure how much I did what I shouldn’t have done or how much I didn’t do what I should hav done, but yea, theres something that leaves me wondering. And what I wonder is, when last I wondered so much. Yea that’s true. Never before I had such a feeling. May be the attachment turned out too strong now. Ya, m talking about my college, my friends, the days spent, the memories blah blah. Well, I hate being sentimental, but the fact is I often do manifest what I hate, I always end up what I don’t want to be. I hate all those facebook status of my friends that reminds me of the fact that it’s over. Its time to go in all different directions. I hate the feeling of separation, something, I never felt before. Now forget that, as I said I don’t want to aggravate my emotions or else you will shed out some tears :D

Anyway, but there are things worse than that, and one among that is leaving home. Theres been just one occasion when I had been out of home for 2 months, but that was different, I was still a student. There were no tensions or at least less. But now its totally a different world of affairs. 1st thing, I will be missing my parents more than anything else.. 2nd I dunno how I am going to handle the new world, new friends, staying in hostel, going to work at 8 in the morning and may be come back at 7 or more at night. Everything about those things gives me such a weird feeling, I feel my existence like an alien to myself. And to more than that, I have to make even more efforts to make life a bit kind to me as it has turned out to be a bitch in the last few months..Aah!! I don’t wana remember that, yesterday is history indeed..Honestly, I wasn’t too intent to express those feelings in my blog but I feel good when I express..So, so be it, if not anyone else, y not tell my bloggie darling ;)

Signing Off
A.M.

The Hairy Woes

Thursday 2 June 2011

The Sem mania is effectively taking a toll on me, not that I mean to say I am studying day and night, but rather coz I have suddenly started finding it too difficult to concentrate even for a single night. After all, it’s the last sems. Earlier it used to give so big a feeling like “Whoa!!the sems,OMG” but now I just want it to be all over asap. Morever my net connection was down since the last few days which gave me another realization, I have become a net addict. I know how I tolerated those 5 days without a net connection, without gtalk, without fb and without more that sort of crap. Believe me its tough, but such a addiction is grossly undesirable, but I have kinda lost it, lost it in d sense, gone too far into the mess of being a netizen that I don’t think any deaddiction process is gonna help anymore. So all of you, please take note of that, make sure you don’t fall prey to netidiction, sorry for the neology.

Well, I thought that m not gonna update my blog till the end of the sems, but hell d sems, m hell frustrated, especially coz of the 4 credit subject electric drives we have. Its outrageously hopeless and I have seriously left hope. Lets c how it turns out. And we have a long gap now, courtesy bput, but that is hardly gonna help much. N about blogging, I believe I express my feelings best when I want to express, not exactly when I am supposed to update my blog. And m happy my blog does get a bit o attention, dunno who, but that number of profile views is kinda encouraging.

Anyways so lemme tell you what dis is all about. I had my shower now and combed my hair in front of the mirror. And suddenly I got a nice feeling, ask wat. “Wow!! I don’t look that bad, do I?In fact I luk pretty much handoo” :P. Umm!!too much of narcissism I agree :D, but yeah that feeling came from the core of my heart:D. Well , for a few moments I was lost in admiring myself :D. What if no1 does, I should na.. theres something called self-esteem and I guess you should always keep that up :P.

OK. Too much of rubbish. I must like to tell you that till 12th , I was indeed one of those geekish and boring guy (I was bored of maslf), maybe the reason was I aimed something high, oh whatever high, I ended up being really high in CET. Not that I regret that anymore, this place gave me a complete makeover, things I think I should have previously been. Forget that!! So I was talking of admiring myself when I was combing my hair, now the word hair reminds me of something more.

When in 1st year, I tried out a hair cream, parachute aftershower lotion, the one yuvi used to endorse. Now I must admit that was something sort of a stupid thing, call it my 1st attempt to look good. It kept my hair straight, perfectly combed, smart and gave out a nice fragrance. But it was a blunder, the lotion plundered my hair n scalp, I had a terrible dandruff which used to cause a dust storm on my head and hairfall like anything. I remember the night when I was studying for basic Electronix, we had our 1st sem exams the next day n the subject was too pathetic, I got so irritated that unknowingly I brushed my head with my hand and then was shocked with what happened. A tuft of hair fell down off my head. I was so taken aback, I counted the number of hair, n guess what, 28!!!!!OMG, 28 hair gone, at this rate by the end of 1st year itself, I am gonna show off a shaven off head, n believe me, I got so tensed that I closed the book and slept, I somehow managed to clear that paper with a B the next day.

Well, very unexpectedly, m pretty much happy that I still have enough hair on my head now, thanks to some oil and shampoo, but theres one thing I learnt. Its better to have some of that black silky disheveled curly bunch on the head, rather to have nothing for a few days of glory:(. And since then, I haven’t used any lotion, cream, powder and any sort of that bloody stuff on my hair, face or skin, except deos. A man is supposed to be a man no matter what, oops!!Please don’t laugh, too much of bakwas by now, but I feel so good now that I blurted out some of my thoughts, I feel lighter, but no, theres so hell more to say and I wish I can just keep writing. As for now, this is all, all I think is of the un-she and cut-me :P

Signing off
A.M.

Oh My GOD!!

Monday 23 May 2011
19 May 2011 7.30 PM
Hi all!! Its raining cats and dogs. The thunder and lightning give the picture of an noisy opera going around. My emergency light is not working. And I am sitting with a flickering candle which may go off any moment, writing this post. And as I don’t have a lappy, m penning this down on a notebook. M getting crazy about writing blogs, bt one thing, I have realized, I love writing, too late, but too good a realization.

My cousin, 2 years younger to me is busy preaching Bhagwad Gita to my mom n mausi and they are enraptured. My god!!my lil bhai, is so lost in the spiritual world, in God!! God save him!! I sat there with them trying to grasp the essence of what he was talking about but failed miserably. So I got back to my way of preaching, LOL. Nor can I start text-chatting which is my best waste-time, no charge in phone.
Moving on to what the post is all about. A few days ago, I made my mom read my blog. She wasn’t very impressed. Her reply “ Why do u write about such rubbish, write about GOD”. All I could think o saying “oh my god!!!GOD!!!!”. It was a subject very esoteric to my senses or call it a jargon may be. But then I thought how wrong I have been. Something had indeed slipped my mind, How at all did I miss out God!!! So this ones dedicated to my parents.

Now talking about God, must say, I don’t have much of an idea of what God is. As it is, its more or less of a belief than anything else. But why God? Its because there are certain things in the world that are beyond human intervention. Now forget all that. I really wonder how people can at all call themselves atheists or agnostics!! May be they have a reason. May be they believe whatever they do in life has been possible just because of their abilities and also that because they deserve it. Fair enough. But do u forget, theres someone who gave you this glorious thing called life? Theres God who has been there with you and for you since your essence sprouted up in the universe? Do you forget theres there is someone who held your arms and taught you how to walk, how not to wet ur bed, taught you everything , the every “how to” that u know till now, theres been someone holding your arms, helping you, feeding you, sharing all your pain and happiness, sacrificing for you and what not? Theres been someone who got you something, if not everything, but the something without which you wouldn’t have been anything now. No, m nt talking about any of those gods whom u pray “bhagwan, please clear this exam, I will offer u a coconut”. I am talking about those very two persons who have made your life possible and perceivable to you. In one word, PARENTS. They say God is “nirakar” ( possess no shape), I am not sure of that, I see my live GODs every morning I wake up.

Would you still call yourself an atheist? Ponder over it. God is all about believeing in a supreme being, not necessarily a Krishna, an allah or a Christ. Its for you to decide your supreme being, but hard to deny the fact, there are two GODs common in everybody’s life. The reason- No matter how much you try its utter impossible to pay back your parents and impossible things as we know always pertain to God, ain’t it?

OK. Now talking about the “God” wala God. So some of you would say theres no God. May be, but not necessarily be. Before the invention of the microscope, people did not believe in bacteria too. Before the invention of the telescope, people rebuked Galileo about his theory of Earth being round. Dear atheists, u can wait till the invention of the godoscope. Scientists say theres no god, the Big bang created the earth. No problem, but who created the big bang then? And if you have an answer to that, who created that, that created the big bang? I am sure the chain of questions never end if u don’t consider an assumption and u very well know what the assumption can be.

Honestly speaking, there is a reason to believe in a supreme being. If not anything, its about believing that someone always stands at a position higher than you, no matter what, which will prevent you from the notions of achieving invincibility and make the adage “sky is the limit” more realistic. Whoa!!Thats the effect of my bhai. God save me too!! And this is probably my last post till the end of sems. Love you my blog readers, especially if you are a pretty girl :P

Signing off
A.M.

Craziness unlimited!!

Monday 16 May 2011
A thing of beauty is a joy forever. Indeed. So true is that. Or may be refining the thought in my mother language : “sundara trupti ra abasada nai, jete dekhuthilu nua disuthae”. Well that pretty much summarises the last statement. Now, how do u feel when you look at someone and get completely lost in “her”? That’s what you call the exuberance of beauty at its best. And that is so soothing to the eyes, that it enchants the mind, captivates the eyes and numbs all your senses. That’s what the girl of my dreams does to me. Well, hold on, I guess that might be a turn-off to begin with, but may be the title of the post is not as deceptive as it suddenly appears to you right now.

So, the girl of my dreams. A girl I have hardly known , hardly seen, hardly talked but I have closely felt and happily savoured. I am not sure if she is one of the most elegant looking fairies, not sure if she is the one which every guy wishes for, but yeah, m sure about one thing. She is the one for me, someone whose presence alters the meaning of the mere existence of the universe for me. No matter, what someone else would say, she appears to me as a verdant garden full of blissful flowers. Her smile enthralls my imagination, it seems like a hundred suns beeming to the sky making even the sun flinch, spreading the ultimate cheer that can ever exist. In my dreams, she smiles at me in the most assuring manner with the calm zephyr trying to sway her silky hairlocks. I can’t all but ogle in awe at her shimmering beauty and incandescent, fairly black hair carelessly cascaded upon her dainty, gentle shoulders. She struggles to keep her swirling hair out of her face and I get lost in the aura of innocence it depicts. She stands in the vibrant meadows leaving me utterly unarmed at her elysian presence.

But no matter what, behind all that, I can feel, theres something missing in her life. Theres the charm but not he glow, theres the smile but not the shine, deep down, she is yearning for something. She is trying to find herself, to find an identity may be, that’s her. I try to talk to her but I fail miserably. I am just scared that I wake up and she will be gone forever. The best I have done is to connect my heart to her thoughts, but the networks always out of reach :D. May be the Hutch dog hasn’t followed her everywhere she goes. Oops, dear reader, u must be too lost, eh??Chill..M back to my own self.

Theres no such dreams, theres no such girl. That was just my first blogging assignment :P. But m so happy!! A friend is so impressed with my blog that he gave me the cool assignment.Wohoo!! :). The summary was to deal with the expressions about a girl who luks happy, but bears some pain in her heart. And yeah, there have indeed been a few readers of my blog now, my earnest gratitude to them for sparing their all so important time.

But yeah now that the assignment is over, lemme spill the real girl off my heart. Friends, since some days I have been going really crazy about someone. Chill, m not in love or all that crap, but someone has been playing havoc with my blithe mind and my soft heart :P. Oops!!not to blame her. It’s the hormones..and their freaking over-activity maybe. Call it “chemical locha” in the words of Munna Bhai. So much so that I read about a motor, and the motor of her thoughts churn out my mind, I read about a generator, and the current of her imagination gives me shocks. Whoa!! I am going gaga about her. I go to bed, switch off the lights and then suddenly come back again to have a last look at her face, I sleep but I can’t.. I feel like getting up and shouting at the top of my voice- “stop freaking my mind and let me sleep”. Pretty much of what happens in movies, everything sort of that is happening with me.

Bloody hell, may be I am watching too many movies, damn, but I am not. Few days ago, when I desperately wanted to catch a glimpse of hers, she appears out of nowhere, may be that’s the last time I got to see her, but damn again, there seems to be a connection too.. The hormones are getting the better of me. May be I wanna talk to her, but I don’t. Coz I think I cant, or rather I won’t, not before she does. Blame my hell-bent ego for that. And I pity my 3 friends, who had to sustain the brunt of my madness since the last few days. C’mon!!M such a mature guy :P. All those things happen, the crush z gonna melt away soon, but I must say it’s a pretty much terrible one. Its getting onto my nerves. It keeps on poking my jolly good mind. So much its turned me into a poet :D

“She z like a key
Which can break me free
Un-she is me
Cut me is she”
Whoa!!I am sure that made no sense at all.. My sis says it’s a dreadful PJ. But yeah, that’s all that is meant for. LOL.

Signing off
A.M.

What then and What now!!!

Tuesday 10 May 2011
Once again, our great university has put us under a lot of confusion over the schedule of the exams. Well that’s nothing new for us, but suddenly things have taken an unprecedented turn of events over some rumours about CET. Funny to see people going berserk against CET hurling out profanities in a group forum in FB. And yeah, even better , our cet stalwarts are leaving no stone unturned to poke their ass either.. Well my post has got nothing to do with that. Its just that the enlightening literature and the blasphemy used in the cnvo inside the posts reminded me of something..Actually a lot of things!!

Lemme tell u about an incident. I was in 3rd year, on my way back home in the college bus, and was busy ragging a 1st yearer, well no ragging, mind it.. It was just an interactive session :P. I asked the junior to say something which he denied to do. I asked y not and out came the answer “Sir, eguda kharap katha , mu kahibini”..All of us burst into laughter at his reply. That made me to ask him if I am a bad guy is what he meant. The terrified look in his eyes just made me tap his shoulders and let him go away. All I wondered is had it been those more enlightened seniors, then they would have ripped off a piece of the mind of that guy who showed quite a bit of irreverence.

That incident made me wonder what I was and what I have become. I remember when I first joined davcsp. I was a pure innocent dumbass. My new friends with all their friendly and polite manners, with the sole objective of testing my bhadra-ness, asked me to shout “alpha Q” at the top of my voice..N guess what, I did, only to realize to my embarrassment later what exactly that meant. That was just the beginning. I remember in 11th I had my tutors-cum-friends who sought to improve my language base. I was being taught the way kids are done in kindergartens.. A for beep..B for beep..C for beep and so on. Those beepy stuff sounded so funny to me. And my tutors were kind enough to grant me a chocolate everytime I blurted out one of those beeps.

I remember my first day at cet. And I specifically remember the sweet interactive session with my seniors in the bus. How sweet it was!!Literally in one day I was made to face all the A-Z beeps together. I found them even more enlightened than my skilled tutors. I wonder how that “mu kharap katha kahibini” wala guy wud hav tolerated the sabotage, u need a big heart for it and a deaf ear too :D. Anyway, it wasn’t very long before I was an amateur saboteur too :D. Very interestingly, one of those guys who had been a part of the alpha Q stuff, joined our college as a junior and I made him enact one of those Ads that is often shown as a public awareness campaign and that makes us feel so awkward in case an elder is watching TV wid us. I had my retribution, LOL.

But I was really shocked when I heard my nephews, kiddos in class-5 or 6, using expletives , which I din even have any idea about, till class 11..wow..dat is what you call the Gen-Y. OMG! I called up my friend, my closest friend actually to tell him what he lacks in :D. Well I do feel guilty at tyms that I spoiled my friend, but friends are often meant for that :P. I remember in 2nd year, one of my big bros had called me up and asked me, whether I had learned those esteemed words. N ya, whether I had “pata-ed” a “toki” or not. I din knw there was more enlightment coming from my bhai.. “ There are two category of boys. One who flirt and the others who comment”. Pity, I was in none of the categories. Not in the former coz of my my so-very-big hell-bent ego and not in the latter, coz I din want 2 :(.

Since then, I have come a long way. I have been a member of the elite MC group and we work out on our new innovations and making fun of it. Whatever it maybe, I feel surprised, there can still be people like one of my friends who talks to the juniors like “are suna, tama intro ta please daba?” :P. Nicest decentest guy u hardly see.

Well, whatever it maybe, there are a lot of things u learn in life. Good bad or a mix o both. U gotta use the thing in a proper mature way. Else no difference between an engineer and a rickshaw wallah. U gotta enjoy life and have fun, but you gotta have certain limitations too, not the way its going on in the bput forum in fb. Now whatever, just got the news that our exams got shifted. Implies, a** saved for a few more days. But I also feel sorry for a few people, whom the shift is gonna cause troubles. All u gotta to know is u r under an university which is just hopeless. So it is rightly renamed “bapa pua (jhia) under tension”.. That’s all from me right now.

Signing off
A.M.

Smile Please :)

Thursday 5 May 2011

Say CHEESE!!umm..wait..Temme something. Can you ever think of something that you give and still lose nothing? Its nothing more than a curve which seems to set everything right, it is something that points the corner of your mouth towards heaven, its something that adorned your sweet face 2 lines ago, its nothing but gathering small reasons of happiness into a pile, its all about a SMILE. Life gives us so many opportunities to smile, but often we fail to take them, but we forget that the world looks much brighter behind a smile, a smile can lighten up the darkest day.

Think about the reasons of why you should smile. Even thinking for a reason to smile becomes a reason to smile. And talking about reasons, we have so many!!Smiling at a light joke, at a funny situation, about some nostalgic moments, on seeing a good-looking guy/girl , smiling at nothing and on it goes. Well, the biggest reason is just for the sake of smiling. A smiling face always looks animated and vivacious, no matter what lies behind that face.

And yeah!!smiling is infectious. As a matter of fact, most smiles are contagious reciprocations of other smiles. And even better, you give it, it comes back right on to your face. Of everything you wear, smile tends to become the most prominent thing for the person who is trying to perceive you. You can spoil the day of your enemy with a smile and as far being an enemy is concerned, one must know that a frown is nothing, but a smile turned upside down, and when the frown is turned upside down again, it can alter the whole equation of enmity into friendship.

Quoting a line from P.S. I Love you “ Today give a stranger one of your smiles and that might be the only sunshine he sees all day”. That’s the power of smile. It has the power to heal, to offer the warmth of emotions and relief. And remember, life is just a reflection of whatever we think and do, smiling at the mirror of life is hence not at all a wasteful pursuit. You won’t ever find a smiling face that isn’t beautiful and the wrinkles that invade our face are nothing but the places where the smiles once resided, mind it my friends, smile can be your best make-ups to hide them. It is a best welcome note and the most powerful weapon. As Charles Reade said “ Beauty is power, a smile its sword”. And according to a fact, it takes 17 muscles to smile, but 43 muscles to frown. So why waste the extra energy??

But a smile tends to have its dark part too. Smiling scornfully, derisively, smugly or just smirking or simpering is not the real essence of exhibiting a smile. Its is more like misusing a virtue. A smile is supposed to be such that it caresses and heals the heart. So always do smile, u never know when and how someone gets in love with your smile.

Now the reason why smiling as a blog post entered my mind is the recent comment of my friends..They say I don’t smile in my pics. Well, I admit I don’t or rather I haven’t. I would like to elucidate a small lil story here. When I was around 8-9 years old, when my milk teeth were still milky, my permanent teeth suddenly began to invade them. Maybe I had become too mature that my permanent teeth couldn’t wait but sprout out. They started growing like climbers and creepers pushing apart my milk teeth and the outcome: The dentist had to forcefully uproot 7-8 of my milk teeth in a year or two.

So finally what happened was the teeth grew just like weeds wherever and whenever they wanted to. And that made me camera conscious. Reason: When I smile, two of my front teeth feel very happy to jump out of my mouth :(. So I always try to give a well calculated stretch of my lips which gets fully miscalculated. And the outcome: a stupid looking face :D. Worse is few of my elders who find my toothy smile “cute”.WTH!!Often in my skul days, I used to complain my mom to get my teeth in order with all that clipping n all. She would just laugh and repeat the same Sanskrit phrase “kochit dantaha murkhaha” ( Very rare people with protruding teeth are fools). I used to feel so irritated at the reply :(. But newaz, I hope that sad story would draw sympathetic feelings from my friends who wouldn’t complain anymore about why I don’t smile in a pic :D

Now whatever it maybe, I wish if this piece of writing would have given you even the least of smiles, then my post will be worth it. Remember something, “A friendly look, a kindly smile, a good act and lifes worthwhile”.

Signing Off
A.M.