An exasperated “philosophy session”

A long pause in my blog, pretty uncharacteristic of me, but the question is, this phase of life has probably redefined what I am characterized of, shaped my silly stupid thoughts into grave matters, phew!! Things have changed, and this is when probably, people say that you have grown up. I hate that feeling of being grown up, but yes, this phase rather imparts a finishing touch to the growing up phase.

I wonder how many things might have changed in the last 22 years and every day gone, I feel a day more mature. Things which seemed rather logical and reasonable the previous day, start seeming stupid and at times, embarrassing. To quote for example, if someone would have asked me what I wanted to be just after class-XII, I would have said just one thing-Engineer, but as years have passed by, that very fact that I selected engineering as a career doesn’t impress my inner being. And that makes me realize how deceptive a rat race can be, leading you all into the wrong direction. Technical stuff doesn’t appeal to me as much as it should to an engineer, rather the reverberation of a realization echoes into my heart right now, theres something I feel I know, what I should have been and what I must be. Maybe someday I fulfill my dreams I would share that piece of a personal thought to you, but right now, life seems to have lost its sheen, so the first and foremost thing is to retrace my way and catch up with the right path. And what actually give me the realization is the same realization of the realization that I have actually “grown up”.

Well, being “grown up” is rather a relative term. One might argue that 2 years later, I might find my present realization to me somewhat misleading. I agree, that is very true indeed. Honestly speaking, when I was a kid, I used to dream of becoming a scientist which in succeeding years changed into a doctor and finally ended up as a engineer, but there was a difference between what was then and what is now. Then I lacked an objective for what I aimed for, it was just a thought directed by some other random thought which originated from some unrelated unmeaningful information, feedback and environment, but now I have a meaning, an intention and a real desire for where I want to take my life.

Now that I was talking about how things have changed. These thoughts came into my mind as I went all so nostalgic during my journey back from home today. I suddenly got lost in the days when I was a kid. I used to jump on my bapa when he used to come back from office, I remember those days when I used to share every tit bit of info with my parents, I used to hang out more with my parents than with anyone else, and believe me, I loved those days, all I mean to say is Parents can indeed be your ultimate friends but yeah, there is a condition apply. Things don’t remain the same forever, now when I meet my parents after a week or two, I can’t just go and jump on them, share everything with them, and be the best friend with them, there suddenly crops up a barrier, and that’s the change I am talking about again. Ya, you can still sit between your parents being loved and pampered, sharing a lot of things but you can’t just behave the same way you did, during your childhood.

And yes theres more to it. Maturity give rise to lots of pretentions in life, though I must say it is very important, but at times, it makes us forget who actually we are. And yes, this change is unintentional, unnoticeable and unavoidable, it can just again be realized. Just think? Don’t you think you behave with 10 different people in 10 different manners? And my dear, if you don’t, then I am not sure whether it is good or bad news for you, but you are yet not a grown up.

Well, I dunno what I am writing, I am actually feeling very pissed off. And I am writing coz I didn’t want to do anything else, whether it makes sense or not, I don’t care. Went home after 3 weeks and not even 24 hrs to spend with my parents, I miss them so very much. And to add to that, there were guests who deprived me of whatever a lit bit more time I could have had with them. Though I am not kind of a “atithi tum kab jaoge” types, but I felt very irritated today. Damn the job life, I feel like packing up and going home again..I want to share the piece of dairy milk I am having now with bapa and maa, and I really miss them so so much!! It is really bad to grow up, so take my advice, don’t grow up, rest in peace..Had God been a better skilled engineer, he would have terminated the cycle of people growing up, then the world would have such a cute place to live in. Think I must sleep now, lest I get half a salary cutoff tomorrow for reaching office late..Good Night everyone if at all there is anyone..Sweet dreams!!
Signing off
A.M.