Babble-Dabble

So quite a long hiatus since my last post. It’s only the 2nd time in the last 4 months I haven’t been home on a weekend. Well actually I was planning to go today, come back on Monday, then go on Tuesday evening again, come back on Thursday and go again on next Saturday. My mother was so irritated that she went to the extent of saying “don’t come so often. I am getting irritated to get to see your face so often”. Noone loves me :(.What a heart break!! So to show how much I can sulk, I am not going. But maa, I am sorry , U will have to do with my face two times this week anyway ;), I cant sulk more than that :D.

Theres more news. “Mill tumhare hawale, u r the boss for the next week, all the best”-Don’t you think those words are really stimulating? Yeah, as screwing as stirring. My senior is on a leave and I am “in-charge”(that’s what they call me) of the core part of my dept for the next 8-9 days. Sounds exciting eh? Not really, its hell tough, bloody hell, I am a bloody trainee and I am supposed to take over all the responsibilities of a manager for the next few days!! Had I been that efficient, wouldn’t I have been in an IIM than working my ass out, being an executive majdoor out here? Yeah, that’s what I feel like.. Chalo, too much rona dhona!! Now the better part. I feel important in this place for the first time. Any problem, the first thing people look towards is me (though I am not sure how capable I am to solve the problems :D). And yes, today I was allotted a diploma trainee under me. And I am just loving the “yes sir, sure sir,I will do it sir, could you please sir, can I leave sir” attention from him :P. Haila!! I can’t believe so many people call me sir nowadays. In fact, I have learnt even to shout at people if they don’t get the work done :D, though I feel bad to do that, but it’s a precondition to survive at this place.

Damn those people who have humiliated me in the last few days, they should know I am a “sir” now :-x. 1st instance- In Puri with my parents and there we met a colleague with my father. He asked me “Soo!!What are you studying”, and when I told him I am doing a job, he looked at me as if I am an alien or something. 2nd Instance: Going home by train. The uncle sitting in front of me who got in at Bhadrak: “Going home?” Me: “yep” Uncle: “so you are studying in bhadrak?” Me:”Naa. I am working at Jajpur Road”. The instant reaction was “Really?!!” which turned out into a long continued grin which made me feel so irritated so as to show him a middle finger!! And third was an Aunty who directly told me something kinda that at home, I don’t wanna tell you the real words, IDPD ho jayega. Now temme something, Am I supposed to keep a dense beard and a krur singh-type-moustache to look like a working guy!! Huh!!I don’t care!!

So a few days back I was having a look at my foto album. There was one pic where my father and mother are holding me between them. I had been to Puri after that and had a similar pic taken there. I realized something, so many things have changed in those 22 years, but the same kiddish feeling still comes back when I am with parents, I just loved being with them, being cared and loved and scolded at times too :D. Ya life with friends is something different, I agree but with parents, Its something beyond anything, especially when you have such so very nice parents whom you can confide a lot in, even ur crushes :P. I love you maa and bapa, you are the best I could have asked for :*.

Why do people misinterpret you at times? Don’t they realize that somewhere somehow someone likes them so much that all he wants them is to be happy no matter however the thing goes around. Why do they always keep on giving hints on the sole intention of hindering you from taking a step forward? Do they really think that someone is really trying to be a stumbling block in their path? If it is really so, then let me tell you, all I die for is your smile, if that’s there, I am not gonna disturb you, I just wish to be there for you forever to get it back for you. Anyway, lets leave that part.

The funniest part is I have gone really crazy those days.. I have been doing so many silly things.. And believe me, I am enjoying doing it, I have suddenly started liking the spontaneity of things. Like giving a lavish treat for one of the silliest reason you would expect. Nevertheless, sometimes silly things do add colors to your life. And yeah, I went on a date, whoa!! I DID. Lol, it was just a meeting with a close friend which coincidentally turned into a one on one treat.
So What more I can babble. I just wanted to go on and on, sharing things with me. After all, who else understands me more than me and who else is going to read a post like this!! :D. Anyway, nice talking to you A.M. :D

Signing off
A.M.

I know, I am again wasting quite a bit of time as I start to write another post. But theres hardly anyone here, whom I can tell my feelings right now, not even my parents. How do you feel, when you fail once and then just the trend continues forever? More so, with loads of expectations surrounding you, people thinking that you are genuinely good for better and when its only you who knows who you are and what you are!! Yeah, it hurts.. How would you feel if you know that you are playing havoc with your parents’ expectations if not even your own. Yep, it’s a worse feeling than just a failure.

It hell hurts!! I really wish that I was endowed with a bit of intelligence, I feel so dumb. At times, it feels like I know nothing, the knowledge is just a façade to myself. I am really clueless of what to do. Why do I have to have those limitations!! Isn’t it partiality that some people are gifted with talents and some are like freaking noobs!!Why can’t I be better.. Deep inside, stuff like that eats me up, even if the people who I know expect a lot, keep on consoling me. Its hard to take and the path seems lost in the horizon. Where do I go and what do I do? I am actually treading the path wherever it is taking me than finding the way out, and that has been something I was dreading when I was at the beginning of the path.

Please god, make this dimwitted follower of yours good for something at least, he desperately needs you for some enlightment.
Signing off
A.M.

The Question Remains!!!

As I rock to the rhythm of the song “Dildaara” from the upcoming movie Ra One, I plan to write this small post. Well, I must say I hardly get time to keep the updates of the newly released movies and stuff, I miss the kickass mornings on MTV . This is not gonna be like very different from my last few blogs, coz life hardly strives to change. The only thing good about it is I am going home tomorrow and guess what, I am staying till Monday..Quite a long vacation huh? Damn!!This long used to be my regular vacations during college life. However, never matter, I am going home. Well I must specify what home means, coz I have three homes now!! Anyway, its bbsr this time. I have my parents, my cousins and few of my friends coming there this vacation.

Talking about plans for the vacations. May be half a dozen dates, but only with boy wala friends :P. Well a date with the opposite sex seems only a distant possibility, not at least before my engagement :(. A cousin meet is always on the cards, I am gonna make that happen anyway this time. And may be more fun with my friends. And I am really excited about all that, without actually thinking of the fact that the days will pass by just as fast for me to even realize. So is the vacation long enough? If I ask for an absolute answer, the question remains!!

Just as they say, time and tide waits for none. And its been more than 3 months now, I have been in a stinking helluva alien world. Time has been mocking at me ever since I landed here, and the tides have been just drifting me apart like a tsunami, far from the coast I wanna reach. Well, its not as bad as I describe it, so don’t take it as an unbiased feedback, coz I am prejudiced against it. Its all to do with my state of mind, from the very first moment, I entered the place, I have made it a resolve to leave it asap. And it is like eating me from inside, every time the clock ticks by. And its making me suffocated as such.

Today morning was probably the worst feeling I had in the last 3 months. I woke up and suddenly felt so very upset. It happens to me every morning but today it was like a very bitter and sophisticated feeling. As always my mom woke me up with her call, I almost choked talking to her, hung up the phone, digged my face into the pillow and kept on lying, till I realized the pillow was wet. I don’t remember when last I had this worse a feeling. Well the only good thing the work here does to me is to forget everything else and sort of a distraction from my personal feelings. I really got to make out some way to find the small ray of hope, lest the black hole of nothingness engulfs me over. Sorry for the mawkish description, but I just wanted to spit it out. I wish someday I can become like my father, rather that IS my dream. And that would even cater to making my mom so happy. May be that will somehow make up for the fact that she didn’t take up a job just for me. (P.S.- My mom is very intelligent, she even helped me out with complex permutation and combination problems in class 12, seta alga katha ki mo dwara patha hounathila,tebe bhi n ebe bhi :(!!) But will the dream be a reality? The question remains!!

And to compound matters is the issue that swallows up all my senses, makes me do things beyond logical and unlike me, it makes me jump and hop and babble and mad. It flummoxes my horizon of thought and freezes my mind. Well I can’t really explain what it is, but it concerns me a lot, A LOT actually and yeah, it distracts me too. All I wish is that someday I can bridge the gap , so that I can take a healthy nap. Yeah, it’s again the overflow of the internal body sap. Will the lead protagonist of the dreams ever become the protagonist of my forthcoming life story??The question is easy to answer but the answer is hard to accept. Is their a solution?? The question remains!!!

Signing off
A.M.