The Pursuit of Nothing-ness

Probably the fact that I don’t have anything worth to tell anyone made me write this post, or may be things I don’t think will matter to anyone but me. Things have been so un-happening that the major part of my conversation with everyone starts and ends with a “what else”. It must be worth remembering the fact that I used to be someone who spent a lot of time on phone- texting and talking, in short, socializing. Anyway, whatever it might be, life do change, but the person inside hardly does, and when it is forced to adapt to a change, it implodes, and the feeling out of it is what brings you into nothingness.

It sometimes even makes me feel stupid what drastic change has been brought in, in the tone and theme of my blog posts, but that is something I couldn’t have helped either. It is aptly what someone can do, when he is closed within the barriers of a room, with everything going into a mess. Mess, ahh!! That reminds me. Failure after failure, one after one and day after day, merely leaves the sap and most importantly the belief in you to perform. All you are left with is questions like how long, how much more and why me!! All you do is console your heart to keep quite, but sometimes along with the blood, it pumps out shots of water from the eyes. For a moment though, the tears provide a feeling of relief, may be coz it reduces the burden off the heart.

This is the pangs of solitary-ness seems better from a crowd. Dunno how far the road lies, but I always seem to get to the wrong one, no matter how much I try. And every time I do, it exponentially plummets my belief in myself. The shadows of failure horrify me day and night.

Leave that. Its been more than a week since I called my best friend even though he always finds time in his busy schedule to call me up. He is actually how a friend is supposed to be, yep dude and babe!! How can I ever forget them!! I am sure they will always be my bestest buddies. Everyone seem so busy in their life nowadays, none of my other friends seem to remember me. Everything seems so very monotonous at the moment. The only entity that had brought cheer to my life in the last few months seems to be ignoring my existence, the entity which was perhaps the only refill to the void that life has created. Yup, it feels really shitty when you miss something/someone but you are not entitled to confess that. Nevertheless, all I wish is, unlike me, all good happens to it, and I can’t explain why, but somewhere I genuinely mean it. Its actually tough to get something out of your mind which you like so dearly, though unreasonably, but the fact is sooner or later, it has to be.

The only good thing that has happened to me in those few days is that I feel I have stopped being oversensitive to some issues. Like the rebukes of my boss seems to be pretty good an issue nowadays to have a funny discussion, may be something, which an year before, would have made me feel worse. Whatever, All I know I am going home tomorrow, probably something in which I score over all the contenders :D. Chalo good night!! Love ya A.M. I feel much better after blabbering everything :). Things are gonna be better soon for sure :)

Signing off
A.M.

The Broken Pieces!

Ya, pretty long since I updated. But what do I update? Some good memories that actually are meaningless or the long list of bitterness that keeps on itching the person inside, making the heart and the mind sore enough even to feel anything more. I hardly have an idea!! Being caught up in a life where you are in the middle of something without knowing which end to be the better one, is indeed hell. And what becomes worse, when it’s actually difficult to show up the real emotions. And if u don’t fake it, all u become is a walking and talking robot, something I don’t wanna portray myself to be, something I never do. But what do u do when getting yourself closed in a room seems the best option to feel good, rather a way to feel better than worse?

And the worst part is when you can’t even really tell the people what you are feeling whom you love most, coz they always look towards you in eyes full of expectation!! And you know, you will be more than shattered than what they will be, not coz u don’t achieve what you want, but rather you will shatter their dreams!! I am losing it with every passing second. How long do I pretend that I am all so very fine when inside me, there is a tornado ripping me apart.

Know I have become so very unsocial nowadays, people have actually started complaining about it, but seriously I never mean to. I find it hard even to being the very patient listener I was, and I am still trying to be, the probable reason which gets me some really good friends. But what do I do? I don’t have anyone to express myself, coz expressing myself makes me feel making fun of myself at the moment. And doesn’t the feeling ought to get worse when someone you care about, starts misunderstanding and misinterpreting you? Yeah, life sometimes really turns out to be a bitch, making a heap of all the bitchy things all at a time. But is there an option? Neh!!Hardly one, you just wait and try to find the route to the sunny sky, something I want others to understand too, but ya, I agree, I am really bad in expressing myself and what I mean and what I intend.

The cacophony of the music in my present life has already drilled a hole, I have to make efforts now to just to stop it from probing deeper and make it hollow, the sooner I do, the less hurt it gives me, and if I am too late, it treads me over, I have to set the broken pieces into place. Do I take the road not taken or do I just follow the trite path and win over? God knows!! At home at the moment, and the best thing about it, I can squeeze in between my parents and have that all so warm, cozy and safe feeling I always have, I have got to do it for them somehow. Love you maa bapa :*

Signing Off
A.M.