Winds Of Change

Lifes funny!! And especially funnier when it makes a big fool of you. When you find yourself feel like so stupid in front of your own eyes. And especially when the feeling is all new. But I guess I made it kind of complete now, I have had the experience of having all kind of shocks in my life now. And the variety transcends all limits probably. I feel like laughing at myself, but my inner one already seems to be mocking at me. Accusing me of making a real fool of myself.

Deep down, I wonder was I so vulnerable? Am I so bad at interpreting human behaviour? C’mon it cant just be so big an illusion, the heart still finds it too hard to accept. Well, I realise I have been a guy of emotions, too sensitive, I live in my own fantasy land. My motto is “dil hai chota sa, choti si asha”. All I want is to spread love and get a little bit back, I melt too easily. But is it what I am or what I was?

Whatever it is, it is hardly anything that I will be. Enough is enough. Too much tension, pain, mental agony, fanciful dreams, love hungry behaviour, simple thoughts. Change indeed is the only constant in life and Its high time I accept the fact and let the wave of life sway me into it. I must let the winds of change blow. I am not sure how long it is gonna take me but the next phase is gonna be as cold as ice. What goes into the oven never comes out cooked. The catch is cooked is tasty but overcooked is burnt. I stayed in there too long. If i had stayed anymore, perhaps all that would have remained were ashes.

I blame no one but myself for my inanity and madness. But as people say, it indeed is a kind of madness. The kind that can make your life wonderful or the kind that could bury the heart garnished with sentiments to its grave. It just leaves a heart that pumps blood and does nothing else, enough to keep you alive and going.

Those dreams!!I wonder what do I do of them. They have been shattered no doubt but the bad part is now when I just want to get away from them, they will chase me everywhere, reminding me every moment what a dork I was. However inspite of all that, I would want the character/s of my dreams to live its dreams, even though it could not live mine.

We do mistakes, but I didn’t learn from my mistakes, so probably I deserved it. I was scared of being left alone, but now I am more lonely as I never was. And guess what, I feel good. The metamorphosis seems to have had a beginning. I promise myself- this will never ever happen again. This guy will preserve his self-prestige, and at any cost!!

Signing Off
A.M.

The Hands and the Strand

There’s a pithy saying “you can’t clap using one hand”. And so true it is everywhere, no matter how much you try, it is next to impossible to clap using one hand. Then why then at some circumstances, we try to play solo to bail a particular strand of bonding? Why does it become so hard to accept that you just have to stop trying and why does it become so hard to realize that you have tried too much?

The sole reason may be attributed to the fact that the beads in the strand were beaded slowly and delicately with lots of careful effort, they all were brought from some nowhere land and beaded together to form a chain which, at first, seemed long lasting. Each of these beads bear some inexplicable elements indented in them, which only the two clapping hands understand or perhaps tend to do.

But think of a situation where when one hand is trying to create the strand, put the beads into it and the other, is just watching it do? Won’t the strand collapse and the beads come out through the other end of the strand? Now lets take the scenario a bit further. The other hand wants to join in, give support to the other end of the strand, but it is weak, it is scared that it might collapse with the bead if it tries to lend support to the other end. Fair enough. But does that mean it shouldn’t give a try at all?

From the very beginning, it has been conveyed to the world that it lives on the essence of hope. Hope is what keeps every universal entity going. We just can’t stop trying because in some cases we will fail. We just cant stop loving because someday we are going to be betrayed. We just cant stop believing because someday the faith will be annihilated. We just cant stop living because someday we are going to die. Then why do we stop beading when the beads are already showing signs of a budding, shining and very promising existence on the strand?

Is it just because we are scared that the beads will never hold together? If it is, then it is a very shameful thing, we never gave it a chance, we have no right to comment on how good or bad it could have been. We talk about being unconditional in some matters of beading (you could read it as bonding as well) but practicalities highly deny that fact. We bead because the support on the other side seems just too enticing, just too lovely. Now some may not agree to that, but I am hell ready to debate on the issue. We want something because we like it, when it goes away from us, it hurts. But unconditional things don’t hurt, they give us that very wonderful dreamy feeling irrespective of how close or how far it is from us.

Anyway, the right hand is too tired of holding on to one side of the strand, the strand is already in tatters, the beads are still on it, threatening to be torn apart with even a small hush of wind. The other hand, understandably has been in very adverse situations, living amidst unforeseen forces, has never tried holding on the other side, never tried to give the support, it has just been a mere spectator, looking and acknowledging the strand being made, never has it given any sign or at all made any effort, to hold it together, if not tried to cause any harm to it. Never has it seemed interested that if it wants the strand at all. It has just been there, and now it comes out with the fact that the strands are so battered, its better they let the beads collapse, move on and someday come up with some other strand.

That puts the right hand in a funny situation. It made the strand, piled up the beads, did all that it could to hold them together and then waited for the left hand to take over. So Now what? Now that the left hand has pulled out, what should the right hand do? Even if it keeps the strand hanging, it would hardly ever survive. The worst part will be that it wouldn’t even get to know that if things had went fine, then would the two hands clapped? It all stays a big mystery to it. Too long has it tried, its time to give up. The claps would never occur, its time to accept that, the later it does, the more the hand gets hurt.

Signing Off
The Right Hand

The Network

So the network which was swaying like a piece of dry leaf in the air, desperately trying to find the receiver, trying to make some communication, seems to be failing. It seems like there’s the Doppler effect. With every passing second, the source is madly going farther off from the observer. The frequency of the waves have started dying down, they have started propagating in a different direction, the kind the observer would rather not like to receive. A few months have sustained to make the distance seem magnified by few light years.

But it wasn’t like that then. It was good. It seemed that the network was weak, the signal was poor, but I doubt if it ever was. It was probably the strongest matching of frequencies, the crests thoroughly reigning over the troughs, it was resonance at several intervals, though not clearly evident, but it definitely was. Why then everything got modulated?

Well, it all stays a mystery. It always will, unless the carrier waves enable the original signal to propagate in the reverse direction. And it would take time. Light year indeed is some distance to cover. The observer still believes that the source has a slight bias towards it, may be some fine day, it would have never wanted to go so far apart, may be someday not just the network would have sufficed to connect strongly, but rather there would have been a consensus among them that it always had been that strong, may be someday the proximity would have been too high, but “may be”s are again a probabilistic possibility.

Sometimes I wonder was the time taken justified? And then I get the feeling it was it was just the optimum I waited. It was just the optimum I revealed. It was just the perfect amount I displayed. It was the best I did or could have done or should have done. But the apprehension of being left alone as a mere observer looking at the horizon aimlessly at the source scares me. However I am aware and have very well accepted the fact that there live so many observers in there and the source could always deserve better.

Understandings and no-understandings are acceptable in life, they make your life, but misunderstandings break it, they make the source-observer pair incapable of standing together, to their dismay, destroying all the understanding they ever had. So it is better to let go before getting into a situation where it becomes too hard to accept that it was never there, never could have been, though it should have been and if it would have and if by the quirk of fate, it would ever be, then it will paint magic into life, even then it would take time, wont it? The source and the observer are still miles away, gravitational pull has lost all hope, will the heart be able to generate a “cardiological” pull strong enough to counter the nature’s forces? That remains a question and the answer stays hidden in the mystery that how well the networks ever got connected.

Signing off
A.M.

Dekho...

Kabhi sunkar dekho, kabhi sunakar dekho
Bhawnao ke samandar ko bahakar dekho
Chup na raho, khamosiyon me gun gunake dekho
Dil ke goonjon ko batake to dekho

Kagaj ke panno me kho jake dekho
Khayalon ke sagar me lehrake dekho
Ankhon ke isharon ko churake dekho
Pyaar ki paribhasa suljhake dekho

Kabhi Suraj ki roshni me, kabhi chanda ki chandni me
Kabhi baarish ke boondon me, kabhi hawaon ki jhonko me
Kabhi phoolon ki khusbu me, kabhi titliyon ki aabru me
Kabhi dil ke justaju me, kabhi chahaton ki aarju me
Har un tarangon me hamari ehsas lake dekho
Har un duriyon me najdeek bulake dekho

Kabhi Sur se Sur milake dekho
Kabhi network lagake dekho
Yaadon me basake rakhna un har palon ko
Sapnon ki imarat pe takdeer ko milake dekho
Din me jagake dekho, raat ko sulake dekho
Kabhi in bahon me khud ko bhulake dekho

Dil ke lehron ki gehrai me samake dekho
Hamare junoon ko apna tarana banake dekho
Sikayaton ke kastiyon ko hatake dekho
Filhal dil ke taraju me naap ke dekho

Ikrar ki intezaar na karna
Fariyadon ki fuhar karke dekho
Dil ke sholon ko chingari na ban ne dena
Dil ki baton ko bayan kar dekho;
Hum tumhare hain aur tumhare rahenge
Thoda aetbaar aur intezaar karke dekho

Dekhna hi to zindagi hai
Kuch cheezon se itna undekha mat ho jao
Ki jab dekhna chaho bas dekhte hi reh jao


Signing off
A.M.

Once More..

Wonder the feeling that has crept in is a sense of complacency or disappointment, but whatever it is, the heart seems to have imbibed a sense of numbness. Bad things don’t feel bad anymore. May be as an outcome of how worse things have made me redefine badness. The flop show was expected, but what wasn’t, was a disaster. Doubts galore flooded the mind, self-belief was lurking down deep inside the abysses. Do I feel sad? Am I really worried? Am I still feeling shameful? Am I still concerned of the ignominy with which I have to unfold the disaster to people? Well I am none. And as of now, the mind is filled with nothingness.
Now the question arises. Why suddenly this change? Is it that I am so adapted to facing the same ignominy every year that it hardly matters to me now? Is it the complacency that has crept out of the dramatic turn of events? Or is it that I am desperately trying to be hopeful and see the brighter side of things? It seems like a natural disaster that tends to repeat annually. And I wonder, whether it is that the trying sap in me has dried up or that I am trying but it is just not happening.

And even if I had an answer to all the questions above, it hardly matters because the relevant question now is what next? And I seem to have all conflicting answers, which basically don’t lead towards any solid conclusion. So they leave me with two options. Leave the rope and let the quagmire engulf me or hold on to the rope and give a proper hard push out of it. Its all what I choose for myself.

Life goes on either way. It will just be a matter of time before the havoc created by the disaster gets buried and makes life normal again. But a normal life is one hell of a disaster. Later in the days to come, when you give a peep through the window, reminiscing what decision you took, if that can make you smile, then what you did will be worth it.

I have myself the liberty to interpret the channel of thoughts I have now as a self-display of courage, but whatever it is, If I could make my life worthwhile sooner or later, then very few things will matter. And as of now, life will move on. I just have to channelize the path where it takes me.

Welcome Back :P

Bloggie dear, hi back!! I am indeed so sorry that I ignored you for so long. I have probably got umpteen excuses but our relationship, I know transcends mere explanations. I am sure you must have missed me so very much. Lately though I have realized that you could be the sole answer to my solitary being. I apologize from the core of my heart for my apathetic demeanor, for having forgotten all those reveling moments I had, penning out the deep seated abysses of my heart with you.

Trust me, in the last one year, a lot of things have happened, a concoction of special and terrible moments, garnished and served in such a surreal manner that it never catered to the modalities of trite sense . However the complex series of events has led to one simple denouement- I have stopped classifying them as good or bad. They are just things from which I learn. People, situations and some mystifying elements have all been active participators to the dramatic turn of events.

But living in the past is not an option anymore. Its time to live in the present to mould a pleasant future. Its time to make amends, not whine over what was not done. Its time to create a new world and that starts with bringing about some new elements into the life on every new day. Its time to believe so that some fine day, a smile will sprout out reminiscing the fact that I believed. There are probably a dozen of things that have shook the foundation but the sap within, still revitalizes the soul to accommodate humunguous tremors. A perception is all that matters- you change the angle, the world changes. You think, you shape the universe around you.

Well bloggie darling, I probably had a seizure of my wits in the last 10 mins but you should understand, It has been a long hiatus and a re-discovery of the previous edition(of me) would just take a little while. But the new edition will come with some additions and subtractions, brought about through a lot of introspection, retrospection and self-restrictions, but all for the better. This time it will be about just you and me, no she/he. So lets break free and love the world, whatever it be….Welcome back!!

Signing off
A.M.