Once More..

Wonder the feeling that has crept in is a sense of complacency or disappointment, but whatever it is, the heart seems to have imbibed a sense of numbness. Bad things don’t feel bad anymore. May be as an outcome of how worse things have made me redefine badness. The flop show was expected, but what wasn’t, was a disaster. Doubts galore flooded the mind, self-belief was lurking down deep inside the abysses. Do I feel sad? Am I really worried? Am I still feeling shameful? Am I still concerned of the ignominy with which I have to unfold the disaster to people? Well I am none. And as of now, the mind is filled with nothingness.
Now the question arises. Why suddenly this change? Is it that I am so adapted to facing the same ignominy every year that it hardly matters to me now? Is it the complacency that has crept out of the dramatic turn of events? Or is it that I am desperately trying to be hopeful and see the brighter side of things? It seems like a natural disaster that tends to repeat annually. And I wonder, whether it is that the trying sap in me has dried up or that I am trying but it is just not happening.

And even if I had an answer to all the questions above, it hardly matters because the relevant question now is what next? And I seem to have all conflicting answers, which basically don’t lead towards any solid conclusion. So they leave me with two options. Leave the rope and let the quagmire engulf me or hold on to the rope and give a proper hard push out of it. Its all what I choose for myself.

Life goes on either way. It will just be a matter of time before the havoc created by the disaster gets buried and makes life normal again. But a normal life is one hell of a disaster. Later in the days to come, when you give a peep through the window, reminiscing what decision you took, if that can make you smile, then what you did will be worth it.

I have myself the liberty to interpret the channel of thoughts I have now as a self-display of courage, but whatever it is, If I could make my life worthwhile sooner or later, then very few things will matter. And as of now, life will move on. I just have to channelize the path where it takes me.