A Random Entry

Today I don’t have anything to write in particular. So I am all ready to scribble out some random thoughts. I know, unlike the past, I am unable to add a bit of humour and vivacity to my posts, but I think it has more to do with my state of mind right now rather than anything else. And now that I probably feel that theres hardly anyone who is actually following my blog and going through it, so its time I can endow a personal dimension to it. Well that’s true, now this blog has become a platform to share my memories, feelings and emotions, things I can’t really express to everyone. So let us just move on with it

Must say I have got a group of really cool friends in my department. We belong to different engineering disciplines, different colleges but we stick together whenever we can, be it just be lunch and dinner. And every time we meet, we get to have one stupid useless but quite entertaining discussion. And tomorrow’s night extravaganza has also been fixed, n guess what it is. They are gonna shortlist eligible available babes out from my fb profile whom I can hit and propose!! I was all so LOL at the idea..But believe me the discussions are worse than this..A real revitaliser for the mind-fkn sessions at office :D

Moving to the next topic. Last week, I went to Bhubaneswar, may be after more than a month. And I got to ride my bike. Riding my bike got me into a real high, the same kind of feeling that people tend to have after gulping a peg of vodka. Or in better terms, you can call it bike orgasms!! :P. Err!!Sorry, but I was like too tempted to mention :D. Anyway, driving the bike fast gives a lot of satisfaction to a guy, or to a MAN!! :P. Nah, don’t comment on that, buddies. And my definition of driving fast is something else. I am not one of those assholes who maneuver their hunky bikes here and there in gaps, with real rash moves. If you ask me for a solution for those people who often are the mainstay of accidents, I would say suck all the adrenalin out of those guys so that they lose all their so called “jawani ka josh”. Whatever!! I miss my bike a lot.

Next kahani is based on the story that one of my colleagues here narrated yesterday. Well, I don’t wanna share any personal info here, but just the fact, even he did ask a girl out. Now that was really unexpected, he was one of those all so geeky guys whom I would least expect to do it, damn!! And I am the only shithole who is sitting with the ethical principles lists of how to behave with girls, damn me!! Let my principles go to hell, I openly declare a notice out here “Any pretty girl interested to go out me for lunch or dinner, please contact me asap”. Indeed, I don’t wanna end up with this all so stupid image, its so heartbreaking to see almost everyone run into their rooms to talk to their gfs after dinner and all I call is my parents or some random friend :(.

And seriously I am not in a mood to write anything more today and if I do, that will surpass the endurance capacity of my blog. So , Will see you soon bloggie darling.
Signing Off
A.M.

The Balasore Diaries

As I am beginning this small piece of unplanned post, let me tell you that I am having a terrible headache and I am nibbling a bar of dairy milk probably expecting it to give me relief. I know I sound funny but I do sound that unreasonable at times, and more so, when I come back from a sojourn at home!! Home sweetest home!! Oops!! Dear blog darling, I forgot to mention to you the fact, I am no more a bbsr resident maybe till around mid of the next year. So theres a new place to talk about..and its balasore!!

So it was yet another Saturday.. Nowadays Saturdays are the days when I feel the same kind of excitement I used to have before we used to go for a college picnic..Coz it is time to go home in the evening, and ya, in the eagerness of going home, see my maa n bapa, I forget half my job on Saturdays!! Now that is the only thing good about my job, its close to home :), no matter even if I wish the extravagancy and fun of staying in big metro cities, being home gives a feeling which exceeds much beyond that.

Another thing to highlight is the mom made food, I used to demand this and that when at home, but now, that one day, whatever I get, it feels like heavenly delicacies. Equally nice is the amount of time I get to spend with my parents, that small informal conversation and chit chat with them, means a lot to me.

And this time I went to chandipur beach with my parents and jejemaa. I preferred not to drive the car this time coz of the horrible narrow and crowded streets in balasore, its really tough driving unless u are a pro. On the way, I got to see the places my father was born, stayed during his childhood, the UP school where he completed his 1st few years of schooling, the place where he got posted in the initial years of his job life, the place where my parents started their married life and the place where I spent the 1st 2-3 months of my life, yup balasore is supposed to be a place of lot of importance for me, though so indirectly! And may be more now!!

So on we drove to the chandipur sea beach.Damn my damned luck that my digicam malfunctioned at just the opportune moment and I couldn't take a single pic of the place. I had the vague reminiscence of visiting that place when I was about 10 years old, so much has changed since then, the change evident both in the beach and more so in me. Really speaking, so much has changed in the last 3 months, I feel like being in a different world. And yeah, the “feel good” factor seems to be completely absent. I have developed a sense of apathy towards everything. Nothing seems to be appeasing me, not some delicious food, not some beach, not some movie and not even chicks ;). It is just that sense of numbness that I am wallowing in at the moment, facing the hard phase with a hard heart and hard senses! Yeah, going home does give me relief, but that’s just a transitory cure, I want things to fall in place soon.

I was in no mood of coming back from home today, the whole day I was making faces to my maa, so much so that she finally got irritated :(. And the things worse about my life now is that all my friends seem to have forgotten me, or maybe everyone is too busy in their own life to care about anyone else, things that I dreaded before I stepped into this phase seemed to have come to life. And that making my head to play games with me, making me to eat dairy milk to cure my headache..Indeed blogie darling, I am going outta my mind..And I wish I could tell “her” everything.. Wish I could have written more sensical stuff, matching the much more enviable posts that my fellow bloggers write, but I am hepless, coz "main aisa hi hoon" ;) :P

Signing Off
A.M.

The thought trilogy

Today was kind of a nice day. Well, it wasn’t anyway too different than the other days in my daily schedule, but there were a few things that soothed my heart, call it a few thoughts or realizations or statements. It might even sound like I am happy out of nothing or even that I am boasting but I am just about to explain my feelings.
I would like to share three experiences from the day.

1- I was sitting in front of a junction box with a multimeter checking some wire connections doing some intensive input/output testing. And as everyone was busy, I had to do all of it myself. Then one of my senior bhaiya came and kinda tried to help me out. I was still involved in that stuff when the electrician came, saw me and said “Ansuman Sir is going to end up very high in life”, I turned towards him and started laughing. Then he repeated what he said and exclaimed that he was not just joking and rather serious. Then he took over the work from me. I am not really sure why he said that, hardly know whether I can go any higher from the shitty place I am in right now, given my screwed up preparations and all, but yeah, that thing actually instilled a sense of belief in myself. Lets see how things turn out

2-As usual, today too one of the guys in the hostel turned up in my room and sat and talked to me for an hour. Now this guy is a devotee of Lord Krishna and is into ISCKON and all. He is from Mathura, I have got to know him from since I came to this place. But he comes to my room very often, anytime he has any problem, and not just that, also to talk about Krishna and Bhagwat Gita. I must tell you here I am not that into the spiritual world or anything but probably he finds a good listener in me. Now as everyday someone or the other comes to my room to talk to me, I was complaining to my maa today that I am getting disturbed. She showed me the positive side of it that may be people find that good a friend in me. Well I did realize something, might sound that I am boasting about but somewhere I too feel so, I make a good friend even if not the perfect one.

3-Another thing. I might not take it as a credit or something or take anything away from the persons I am going to talk about. It might have been a coincidence but a significant thought in my mind. The friends I am a lil more close to than others have all ended up in really good places in the present junctures of their lives. I don’t just mean to say that I am lucky for them or anything but it just gives me a sense of satisfaction, though I must not deny that I do envy them a bit, that’s basic human quality, you can’t complain about it. Just the way as said in 3 idiots, “ if your friend fails in exams, then you feel bad, and if he tops, then you feel very bad” :D. Well nothing sort of that, I wish my friends all success in their lives. I really love them, value them and will always cherish them.
That is all I had to say. And these are just my personal feelings, nothing else..

Signing Off
A.M.

An exasperated “philosophy session”

A long pause in my blog, pretty uncharacteristic of me, but the question is, this phase of life has probably redefined what I am characterized of, shaped my silly stupid thoughts into grave matters, phew!! Things have changed, and this is when probably, people say that you have grown up. I hate that feeling of being grown up, but yes, this phase rather imparts a finishing touch to the growing up phase.

I wonder how many things might have changed in the last 22 years and every day gone, I feel a day more mature. Things which seemed rather logical and reasonable the previous day, start seeming stupid and at times, embarrassing. To quote for example, if someone would have asked me what I wanted to be just after class-XII, I would have said just one thing-Engineer, but as years have passed by, that very fact that I selected engineering as a career doesn’t impress my inner being. And that makes me realize how deceptive a rat race can be, leading you all into the wrong direction. Technical stuff doesn’t appeal to me as much as it should to an engineer, rather the reverberation of a realization echoes into my heart right now, theres something I feel I know, what I should have been and what I must be. Maybe someday I fulfill my dreams I would share that piece of a personal thought to you, but right now, life seems to have lost its sheen, so the first and foremost thing is to retrace my way and catch up with the right path. And what actually give me the realization is the same realization of the realization that I have actually “grown up”.

Well, being “grown up” is rather a relative term. One might argue that 2 years later, I might find my present realization to me somewhat misleading. I agree, that is very true indeed. Honestly speaking, when I was a kid, I used to dream of becoming a scientist which in succeeding years changed into a doctor and finally ended up as a engineer, but there was a difference between what was then and what is now. Then I lacked an objective for what I aimed for, it was just a thought directed by some other random thought which originated from some unrelated unmeaningful information, feedback and environment, but now I have a meaning, an intention and a real desire for where I want to take my life.

Now that I was talking about how things have changed. These thoughts came into my mind as I went all so nostalgic during my journey back from home today. I suddenly got lost in the days when I was a kid. I used to jump on my bapa when he used to come back from office, I remember those days when I used to share every tit bit of info with my parents, I used to hang out more with my parents than with anyone else, and believe me, I loved those days, all I mean to say is Parents can indeed be your ultimate friends but yeah, there is a condition apply. Things don’t remain the same forever, now when I meet my parents after a week or two, I can’t just go and jump on them, share everything with them, and be the best friend with them, there suddenly crops up a barrier, and that’s the change I am talking about again. Ya, you can still sit between your parents being loved and pampered, sharing a lot of things but you can’t just behave the same way you did, during your childhood.

And yes theres more to it. Maturity give rise to lots of pretentions in life, though I must say it is very important, but at times, it makes us forget who actually we are. And yes, this change is unintentional, unnoticeable and unavoidable, it can just again be realized. Just think? Don’t you think you behave with 10 different people in 10 different manners? And my dear, if you don’t, then I am not sure whether it is good or bad news for you, but you are yet not a grown up.

Well, I dunno what I am writing, I am actually feeling very pissed off. And I am writing coz I didn’t want to do anything else, whether it makes sense or not, I don’t care. Went home after 3 weeks and not even 24 hrs to spend with my parents, I miss them so very much. And to add to that, there were guests who deprived me of whatever a lit bit more time I could have had with them. Though I am not kind of a “atithi tum kab jaoge” types, but I felt very irritated today. Damn the job life, I feel like packing up and going home again..I want to share the piece of dairy milk I am having now with bapa and maa, and I really miss them so so much!! It is really bad to grow up, so take my advice, don’t grow up, rest in peace..Had God been a better skilled engineer, he would have terminated the cycle of people growing up, then the world would have such a cute place to live in. Think I must sleep now, lest I get half a salary cutoff tomorrow for reaching office late..Good Night everyone if at all there is anyone..Sweet dreams!!
Signing off
A.M.