Bad???Not I... ;)

Now this is a bit personal bit of soliloquy I wanna have with myself, so you are kindly not to stray into this area. Sooo!! I just wanted to say that often I feel I am quite a nice guy, the real good type one :P. Umm!! I am not surprised at the thought coz I am a die hard narcissist but yeah, dunno why, but I believe I am. Now this must sound crazy, but I am doing things that way nowadays. I do have my reasons to say that. 1st, I believe most of my friends do feel m gud (quite a few say it :D). Well, agree friends would always say that, but please, don’t spoil my fanciful imaginations. The very few not-good-wishers I have, don’t have too many good wishers either, so they are probably not good creatures :D. C’mon I am just being logical. 3rd may be I do stupid things, but it has never been intentionally to embarrass or cause hurt to anyone (well I agree no1 intentionally does, but please, I am in my own utopian world, please don’t disturb). 4th I feel I am pretty much polite to people, 5th I try hard to give those fake smiles that seem quite genuine, 6th I do make people believe that I do really care for them( which I must say, I actually do, till something goes very wrong). I don’t look but I believe I can be a really jolly person to be with, I can be a real friend you always look for, I can be the nicest person you can wish for (Now the level of self-appreciation has probably gone beyond limits, so lets stop here). But yes, I am not bad, if not too good, that what I believe :). However, something I am really bad at tolerating, ignorance of my being. Phew!! Somethings driving me real crazy. God save me!!May be it’s the BOSE speaker set I listened to or maybe…………….!!!Between my new year resolution- be happy, stay happy (no matter what) and most importantly make happy :).

Signing off
A.M.

Passion

First, let me talk about all those things this topic is not about. To start with, a message from one of my dearie “ Will give you a relationship tip. With your girl, show some jealousy and possessiveness. And talk to her when you are sleepy, it feels sexy like hell ;). And ya, decent nerds do score chicks”. Indeed somebody has become a real relationship adviser but let me advice her to keep off me with her advice, bahut bura parinaam hoga :D. 2nd, in the last three days, I have actually shouted at three individuals. I am actually shocked at what I have become, though I must say, it was necessary. 1st, on a manager, who no matter what, misbehaves with me, n whoa!!he has become polite to me since then, so probably that worked. 2nd my junior, who talks like he is my colleague. Well, I am to blame though, coz I have treated him in that manner, now its time for a changeover. 3rd, uhh, my friend, who actually left the lunch table before I finished my lunch, that was rude, but it was ok because both of us know, no one means anything wrong :). Between, tomorrow I am going to bbsr, meet my parents once again this week, I am happy. I have ordered two t-shirts from Ebay and a coffee maker too, suddenly my love for online shopping has shooted up, the only thing that stops me is the clerk who gives suspicious and strange glances when he hands me over the thing :D.

Now coming to the point. What exactly it is?? My mobile dictionary says “strong liking or fondness for something”. But is that all? It is something way beyond that. It is something that not just your heart, but your soul yearns for. It is beyond the boundaries of usual likeliness. The reason I say that coz I was actually confused about something. The fact is that I am the kind of person who is really fond of reading stuff, so much so, that I really enjoy the 30-40 mins I read the newspaper everyday. However, I impose some restrictions on my so called reading passion coz I believe on the age old school of thought “ pehle zindagi mein kuch ban jaoon, uske baad jitna man chahe padh lunga”, but theres something I don’t understand or rather don’t want to understand that when you procrastinate something, it gets procrastinated for ever. This happens to me, even though I know I am the kind of person whom you can leave in a bookstore and forever let me there if you ensure me a daily supply of food and water. Ya, a good book in good English, is kind of nectar for me, be it be anything, anything at all. But..I always keep a but in everything. That’s one of my weakness.

Life is all about passion. No matter whatever, you do you should be passionate about it. And no matter, whatever else you do, you shouldn’t let your passion go waste. Even if it is as silly a thing like liking a girl, you should be passionate about that too. Must have heard the dialogue “ Agar kisi cheez ko zindagi mein pure dil se chahte hoge, to puri kaynat use tum se jutane mein lag jati hai, aur agar wo tumhe na mili ho, to kahani abhi baki hai” ( Don’t remember the exact English wordings from Paulo Coelho’s composition). Now that is the real definition of what passion means. And I really want someone who can feed that into my brain.

Umm..probably the quality of my blog posts have shitted up quite a lot, but when I started writing, it was for people to read, but all I care now is for me to write, so doesn’t matter a lot. Don’t think theres anyone at all going through my blog nowadays. Gotta pack my bags now, leaving tomorrow morning at 6. Baby, it will be too cold, but homebound I am, or rather bbsr-bound after so many days, so nothing matters. And here I waste one more precious day of my life, someday I would kick me for that. God help me!!

Signing off
A.M.

Blender's Pride

Har mod pe nai suruat ho sakti hai, kabhi bhi kahin par baat ho sakti hai, mana ki bahut dur hai aapse, par ankhe band karo to mulakat bhi ho sakti hai..
Cool, aint it? phew!!Neh baby..I am dat same AM, haven’t at all mutated, nor m I trying to be a shayar. It is just a forwaded message from one of my friend which I popped out in a shayari session in my last corporate party (you can call it bachelor party too coz it was sharab minus the shabab plus the kabab :P) where the lousy amateur shayari group were wah-wahing at every stupid frustu shayari, so much so, that gave me a feeling as if shayaris are meant only for devdases whose paros have dumped them :P. Pretty yucky it was, but not really when you have a plateful of chicken pakodas to gorge on. Shayari as a matter of fact, has never turned my senses on, except when she has been a pretty babe :P. Well on a serious note, the so called sexy urdu vocabs which sound like hi-fi hindi never fascinate me. The only language that really fascinates me is English, though the pity is that I have never made an attempt to really exploit the language. But yeah one things true, anything said and written in good English actually pleases me, provided its not an engineering book!!!!

Yeah, I never should have been an engineer, the engineering jargons have never fascinated me, nor they ever will. All that I cherish was the life then, but the life now??? Phew, don’t wanna spoil my already spoiled mood now. Gonna wait for max 2 years more, else I am gonna risk my life on the path I really wanted to, may be bit too adventurous but dark ke age jeet hai :P. Its as tough as going to the tip of the mountain n getting the dew off, but nevertheless, I will definitely give it a try someday.

Now look, how fickle I am, I have totally forgotten the point for which I am writing the blog, probably the reason why mora patha satha houni. I was feeling too lazy to start writing this, but the burden of thoughts had accumulated so much, that I thought it is probably wise to shed a bit of them on my bloggie dear. More so, when it’s a Sunday when you have nothing to do but to stay locked in a room. Between my parents are coming to meet me today, a reason to be on a high!! ;)
Being high!!Dat reminds me again of the real agenda. So I did something, something I thought of doing once in my life, something that I know I am not supposed to do, but whatever I did it, and not just that, just for the sake of having a partner in crime, I forcibly made one of my all so bhadra friend do it too. I tasted whisky, whoa!! Blender’s Pride it is, but hardly a reason to be proud, I still feel guilty. 5 pegs, if actually you would call that peg but no matter what, with sprite and pepsi. It tasted nothing more than a homeopathic medicine and there was nothing I felt after trying it out, all the more reason, why I shouldn’t try it ever again. Just for the sole motto I have, “Everything should be experienced at least once in life, no matter how good or how bad-good it is”. Well not the bad things though ;).

And yeah I had a funnier experience than that. There was a Uncle…I mean a Sir ( M forgetting I am professional now :P) who started collecting my biodata, I realized what was wrong when he went to the extent of asking me my title and height. Politely I asked with the all so surprised expression “Sorry Sir,Height??”. And his reply “ I find your personality really wonderful and cute”. I couldn’t really interrelate the two terms but whatever he continued “I will find out a pretty girl for you, have you already fixed one for yourself”. And then I was so shocked, that I couldn’t do anything but let out a blurt of laughter. And then one of my colleagues shouted out “ Sir, don’t go by the innocent looks of the guy, he has already been roaming about with 3 girls in bbsr, the one you fix might be the 4th” . And everyone on the table (10 of them) burst out into laughter. I had no choice but to laugh at the assassination of my “personality”. Lol, but the party was good, good enough to give a faint relief from the monotony and solitude of life.

Well whatever, I would be much happier when I blend my pride in my own way, with my own efforts instead of the 5 pegs of blender’s pride, I will make sure the latter never makes me proud again.

Signing off
A.M.

The Pursuit of Nothing-ness

Probably the fact that I don’t have anything worth to tell anyone made me write this post, or may be things I don’t think will matter to anyone but me. Things have been so un-happening that the major part of my conversation with everyone starts and ends with a “what else”. It must be worth remembering the fact that I used to be someone who spent a lot of time on phone- texting and talking, in short, socializing. Anyway, whatever it might be, life do change, but the person inside hardly does, and when it is forced to adapt to a change, it implodes, and the feeling out of it is what brings you into nothingness.

It sometimes even makes me feel stupid what drastic change has been brought in, in the tone and theme of my blog posts, but that is something I couldn’t have helped either. It is aptly what someone can do, when he is closed within the barriers of a room, with everything going into a mess. Mess, ahh!! That reminds me. Failure after failure, one after one and day after day, merely leaves the sap and most importantly the belief in you to perform. All you are left with is questions like how long, how much more and why me!! All you do is console your heart to keep quite, but sometimes along with the blood, it pumps out shots of water from the eyes. For a moment though, the tears provide a feeling of relief, may be coz it reduces the burden off the heart.

This is the pangs of solitary-ness seems better from a crowd. Dunno how far the road lies, but I always seem to get to the wrong one, no matter how much I try. And every time I do, it exponentially plummets my belief in myself. The shadows of failure horrify me day and night.

Leave that. Its been more than a week since I called my best friend even though he always finds time in his busy schedule to call me up. He is actually how a friend is supposed to be, yep dude and babe!! How can I ever forget them!! I am sure they will always be my bestest buddies. Everyone seem so busy in their life nowadays, none of my other friends seem to remember me. Everything seems so very monotonous at the moment. The only entity that had brought cheer to my life in the last few months seems to be ignoring my existence, the entity which was perhaps the only refill to the void that life has created. Yup, it feels really shitty when you miss something/someone but you are not entitled to confess that. Nevertheless, all I wish is, unlike me, all good happens to it, and I can’t explain why, but somewhere I genuinely mean it. Its actually tough to get something out of your mind which you like so dearly, though unreasonably, but the fact is sooner or later, it has to be.

The only good thing that has happened to me in those few days is that I feel I have stopped being oversensitive to some issues. Like the rebukes of my boss seems to be pretty good an issue nowadays to have a funny discussion, may be something, which an year before, would have made me feel worse. Whatever, All I know I am going home tomorrow, probably something in which I score over all the contenders :D. Chalo good night!! Love ya A.M. I feel much better after blabbering everything :). Things are gonna be better soon for sure :)

Signing off
A.M.

The Broken Pieces!

Ya, pretty long since I updated. But what do I update? Some good memories that actually are meaningless or the long list of bitterness that keeps on itching the person inside, making the heart and the mind sore enough even to feel anything more. I hardly have an idea!! Being caught up in a life where you are in the middle of something without knowing which end to be the better one, is indeed hell. And what becomes worse, when it’s actually difficult to show up the real emotions. And if u don’t fake it, all u become is a walking and talking robot, something I don’t wanna portray myself to be, something I never do. But what do u do when getting yourself closed in a room seems the best option to feel good, rather a way to feel better than worse?

And the worst part is when you can’t even really tell the people what you are feeling whom you love most, coz they always look towards you in eyes full of expectation!! And you know, you will be more than shattered than what they will be, not coz u don’t achieve what you want, but rather you will shatter their dreams!! I am losing it with every passing second. How long do I pretend that I am all so very fine when inside me, there is a tornado ripping me apart.

Know I have become so very unsocial nowadays, people have actually started complaining about it, but seriously I never mean to. I find it hard even to being the very patient listener I was, and I am still trying to be, the probable reason which gets me some really good friends. But what do I do? I don’t have anyone to express myself, coz expressing myself makes me feel making fun of myself at the moment. And doesn’t the feeling ought to get worse when someone you care about, starts misunderstanding and misinterpreting you? Yeah, life sometimes really turns out to be a bitch, making a heap of all the bitchy things all at a time. But is there an option? Neh!!Hardly one, you just wait and try to find the route to the sunny sky, something I want others to understand too, but ya, I agree, I am really bad in expressing myself and what I mean and what I intend.

The cacophony of the music in my present life has already drilled a hole, I have to make efforts now to just to stop it from probing deeper and make it hollow, the sooner I do, the less hurt it gives me, and if I am too late, it treads me over, I have to set the broken pieces into place. Do I take the road not taken or do I just follow the trite path and win over? God knows!! At home at the moment, and the best thing about it, I can squeeze in between my parents and have that all so warm, cozy and safe feeling I always have, I have got to do it for them somehow. Love you maa bapa :*

Signing Off
A.M.

Babble-Dabble

So quite a long hiatus since my last post. It’s only the 2nd time in the last 4 months I haven’t been home on a weekend. Well actually I was planning to go today, come back on Monday, then go on Tuesday evening again, come back on Thursday and go again on next Saturday. My mother was so irritated that she went to the extent of saying “don’t come so often. I am getting irritated to get to see your face so often”. Noone loves me :(.What a heart break!! So to show how much I can sulk, I am not going. But maa, I am sorry , U will have to do with my face two times this week anyway ;), I cant sulk more than that :D.

Theres more news. “Mill tumhare hawale, u r the boss for the next week, all the best”-Don’t you think those words are really stimulating? Yeah, as screwing as stirring. My senior is on a leave and I am “in-charge”(that’s what they call me) of the core part of my dept for the next 8-9 days. Sounds exciting eh? Not really, its hell tough, bloody hell, I am a bloody trainee and I am supposed to take over all the responsibilities of a manager for the next few days!! Had I been that efficient, wouldn’t I have been in an IIM than working my ass out, being an executive majdoor out here? Yeah, that’s what I feel like.. Chalo, too much rona dhona!! Now the better part. I feel important in this place for the first time. Any problem, the first thing people look towards is me (though I am not sure how capable I am to solve the problems :D). And yes, today I was allotted a diploma trainee under me. And I am just loving the “yes sir, sure sir,I will do it sir, could you please sir, can I leave sir” attention from him :P. Haila!! I can’t believe so many people call me sir nowadays. In fact, I have learnt even to shout at people if they don’t get the work done :D, though I feel bad to do that, but it’s a precondition to survive at this place.

Damn those people who have humiliated me in the last few days, they should know I am a “sir” now :-x. 1st instance- In Puri with my parents and there we met a colleague with my father. He asked me “Soo!!What are you studying”, and when I told him I am doing a job, he looked at me as if I am an alien or something. 2nd Instance: Going home by train. The uncle sitting in front of me who got in at Bhadrak: “Going home?” Me: “yep” Uncle: “so you are studying in bhadrak?” Me:”Naa. I am working at Jajpur Road”. The instant reaction was “Really?!!” which turned out into a long continued grin which made me feel so irritated so as to show him a middle finger!! And third was an Aunty who directly told me something kinda that at home, I don’t wanna tell you the real words, IDPD ho jayega. Now temme something, Am I supposed to keep a dense beard and a krur singh-type-moustache to look like a working guy!! Huh!!I don’t care!!

So a few days back I was having a look at my foto album. There was one pic where my father and mother are holding me between them. I had been to Puri after that and had a similar pic taken there. I realized something, so many things have changed in those 22 years, but the same kiddish feeling still comes back when I am with parents, I just loved being with them, being cared and loved and scolded at times too :D. Ya life with friends is something different, I agree but with parents, Its something beyond anything, especially when you have such so very nice parents whom you can confide a lot in, even ur crushes :P. I love you maa and bapa, you are the best I could have asked for :*.

Why do people misinterpret you at times? Don’t they realize that somewhere somehow someone likes them so much that all he wants them is to be happy no matter however the thing goes around. Why do they always keep on giving hints on the sole intention of hindering you from taking a step forward? Do they really think that someone is really trying to be a stumbling block in their path? If it is really so, then let me tell you, all I die for is your smile, if that’s there, I am not gonna disturb you, I just wish to be there for you forever to get it back for you. Anyway, lets leave that part.

The funniest part is I have gone really crazy those days.. I have been doing so many silly things.. And believe me, I am enjoying doing it, I have suddenly started liking the spontaneity of things. Like giving a lavish treat for one of the silliest reason you would expect. Nevertheless, sometimes silly things do add colors to your life. And yeah, I went on a date, whoa!! I DID. Lol, it was just a meeting with a close friend which coincidentally turned into a one on one treat.
So What more I can babble. I just wanted to go on and on, sharing things with me. After all, who else understands me more than me and who else is going to read a post like this!! :D. Anyway, nice talking to you A.M. :D

Signing off
A.M.

I know, I am again wasting quite a bit of time as I start to write another post. But theres hardly anyone here, whom I can tell my feelings right now, not even my parents. How do you feel, when you fail once and then just the trend continues forever? More so, with loads of expectations surrounding you, people thinking that you are genuinely good for better and when its only you who knows who you are and what you are!! Yeah, it hurts.. How would you feel if you know that you are playing havoc with your parents’ expectations if not even your own. Yep, it’s a worse feeling than just a failure.

It hell hurts!! I really wish that I was endowed with a bit of intelligence, I feel so dumb. At times, it feels like I know nothing, the knowledge is just a façade to myself. I am really clueless of what to do. Why do I have to have those limitations!! Isn’t it partiality that some people are gifted with talents and some are like freaking noobs!!Why can’t I be better.. Deep inside, stuff like that eats me up, even if the people who I know expect a lot, keep on consoling me. Its hard to take and the path seems lost in the horizon. Where do I go and what do I do? I am actually treading the path wherever it is taking me than finding the way out, and that has been something I was dreading when I was at the beginning of the path.

Please god, make this dimwitted follower of yours good for something at least, he desperately needs you for some enlightment.
Signing off
A.M.